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2:45 p.m. - 01/10/03
how the hermit crab found its home: through its own direction.
Confused? Thinking I have a) lost my mind, b) developed some weird affinity for reddish/ yellowish combinations or c) developed some weird affinity for creepy crawlers? Actually, this does make some sense, to me at least. And I was so bored with the green layout, even though that color is more among my favorites. I find sea-green terribly calming, though my favorite color is a deeper blueish-green. Maybe that's why I didn't like the previous layout so much, actually: I don't exactly need to calm down much these days. I need excitement, and this hermit crab (this *specific* creepy crawler) does excite me. But, lest you all hate him entirely (and more devastatingly- quit reading because of it) I want to explain. Well, actually, I just want an excuse to have this explanation in my journal, so that I can find it, if for some reason, I lose the copy I printed out and put on my wall. (I've designated a small wall-space by my bed- below the Tori poster, next to the nifty postcard- as the "bulletin board" which keeps a rotation of things I need to remember. Right now there's a note from me to me about the ACT-shite, an e-mail from Shannon about how the opinion that matters is mine, and the note that put this silly crab on my page.)

He's not entirely without cuteness, you know. Or she, perhaps. Zie's not entirely without appeal.

Yesterday was hard, but duh, the past few days have been hard. The abandonment pain sprung up again last night, and I was struggling with the idea of how I survive the meantime- the time between being where I am and being where I'm headed. When I start to let go of this panic, it's going to be a long process, I can't kid myself about that. I'm not going to safely become a social butterfly tomorrow or next week or next month. It's going to be gradual, which would be fine (I guess) if I didn't feel so suffocated where I am. How do I put up with the time in between, when I'm learning so slowly to get out of here? How do I put up with the time in between, when I needed to be out of here years ago (or at the very least post-Rogers)? What do I do?

I posted something similar to that question on the recovery board at sf, and got this amazing response from a fishy I don't know well, that talked a bit about hermit crabs. (Ok, how much do I love a metaphor? This is one of the ways that Dr. R is the perfect therapist for me: he's the only person I know who uses *more* metaphors in the average conversation then I do. But they help me, seriously. They ground me; they bring peace.) This fishy, who is apparently pretty nature-oriented (interesting- as I've begun to say that I hate nature, living where I do) told me that my situation reminded her of that of a hermit crab. And by the end I was like, I love hermit crabs! Even though, I generally stick to otters and porcupines and things. I am not a hermit-crab fan. She said:

you are suffocating because you are outgrowing your surroundings. your description of your situation made me think of a hermit crab - i LOVE hermit crabs, by the way- who has gotten too big for his old shell, so it crawls around looking for a new one. while it's crawling, it looks and feels really vulnerable...but then it finds its new home, and it is protected and comfortable again.

ok, i have been watching WAY too much national geographic lately.

but bizarre analogy aside, i'm not kidding. while you're in your no-shell crawling stage, you have to figure out how to get as much comfort and input as you can without getting overwhelmed. this is NOT easy. i can't give you a step-by-step for this because, obviously, i don't know where your limits are. i'm sure sometimes you don't know, yourself. but here are some ideas - feel free to use them, ignore them or adapt them as you see fit:

continue to use online supports, maybe even trying to share more of yourself than you usually do, if that feels safe. bulletin boards, fishy chat, email, whatever makes you feel like you are connecting with other people.

i don't know if you get agoraphobic or just nervous when other people are involved, but maybe you can spend even a few minutes standing outside your house, late at night if you want to be sure to minimize social interactions. take out the trash, or pretend to. tell yourself, this is me, in the world. this is what the world looks like, with me in it. cool.

when you start to feel claustrophic and trapped, remind yourself that those are actually healthy responses to an unhealthy situation. if you were miserable at "home", seeing no one, having no social interactions, and thinking to yourself, hey, neat, maybe i can be static in this situation until i die....then i'd be more worried for you. we can hear your healthy self inside, and i am SO excited to hear about your adventures when she comes out to play!

ok my little hermit crab...keep letting us know what you need. keep asking yourself that.

I mean, how beautiful is this? I receive so many beautiful words for all you dearling on-line people; I really must get over that internet=evil mantra (fully.) But it does help some to think of myself as a hermit crab. When I take a step beyond the limits I have set (in sickness and need to change for health) it's ok that I feel vulnerable. I've lost my protective armor temporarily, but I will replace it with something that is a better fit. And when I feel claustrophobic, I will know that it is because my surroundings are too constricting, not because of me. I will know I am making steps to move forward in my life, toward a better one. Eep.

As for the act/gallatin/ethics shit, I don't know if I'm up to explain it fully right now. The note on my bulletin board (written on a magenta envelope and surrounded by powerpuff girl stickers - sorry Cami, they were the only asskicking stickers I had) explains that I am at this point choosing only not to act on Neverland's messages, to let myself what I believe, and tell Neverland messages to fuck off. I am choosing for the moment not to make a decision about the ACT itself, which of course will turn into a decision against (for this round) if I don't make a decision *for* in the next week. However, I want to explain something. I am moving very carefully here. I am not choosing not to take the ACT. I am not choosing to put all my eggs in the Hampshire basket. I am not choosing not to live in New York next fall and/or participate in the Gallatin program. I'm simply choosing to go with what I think is right for me, and the truth is I can't know that completely. As Dr. R said, and as Julian points out often, all I can do is make the best decision with the information I have. I can't predict the consequences of it, and when people say to me, "these will be the consequences" I can't let that make my decision. Because I don't know. There are things I need to learn. I need to learn that I can do things in my own time (and not just be avoiding them.) I need to learn that I can make a choice, decide it's the wrong one, and change the situation accordingly. I've decided, for the moment, to go with the payoffs that are clear to me- learning a little better what I will if I don't rush into Neverland's world, maintaining my own beliefs and ethics. This isn't to say that I'm for rigid standards and that I won't let myself flex this rule if at some point I decide the ACT is a necessary bridge into a world I really want, a world that's worth the risk. Right now, I'm not sure enough about Gallatin to think it's worth that. I need to look into some other things first, and I do plan to contact them and see if they have any policy regarding people who oppose standardized testing. I plan to be told of course not, deal, but I plan to ask them anyway. This is scary to me because college is the only thing I feel like I can do to get out of D!@#$%^, and I need to know I have alternatives other than Hampshire. So I guess now, my goals need to be to 1) talk with the doc about other possible ways I can get out of where I am, 2) take the practical phobia-dismantling steps to prepare me for them, 3) continue to look into Gallatin and the ACT while 4) working to strengthen my sense that I can't be quantified so that filling in a score on something like this won't have the power to undermine me and 5) take deep breaths. Because I really am terrified about all this. I'm terrified about what you think, and how you feel about me, how others will feel/respond, that I'm throwing away my life (in a way I can't get back), that I'll be stranded in D!@#$%^. I guess in part I'm making the decision I am and postponing the decisions I'm not to show myself, that honestly? if I'm still alive, I'm not totally screwed. I can still make it work. I can still live my most fulfilling, peaceful life. Like the fishy said to the hermit-crab, I may not know what is best for me, but no one else knows better than I do. It's a problem one has as a youngest child. Everyone is always explaining to you what you should do not to fuck up, when what you really need to do is fuck up. You really need to learn that you can make the mistake. I'll make plenty of mistakes anyway, but I have to pilot my own life. I have to know that it's ok to not follow someone's advice and drive right into the awful consequence they warned me about. I've got to learn that I can drive myself to safety, even after a crash.

For the moment, let's just keep that a metaphor. We'll start with something a little smaller on the phobia list than driving, ok? We'll start with, maybe, walking outside at night or answering the phone?

In the meantime, I may be uncomfortable, but I'll be on my way.

chord

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