11:35 p.m. - 01/13/03
you've got to admit it's getting better.
I didn't sleep last night, so the idea of staying up to write what I would consider an actual entry exhausts me. However, I had a decent day, and it seems a shame to minimize that through the lack of documentation. So, let's just say, waking up in the morning to realize you pushed yourself into doing what you didn't realize then was The Exactly Right Thing, that you reached out when you didn't think you could, that you reached in when you didn't think there was any good to find there, that you're safe and you're better and you're so much closer to well- to you- than you were two years ago, is a really marvelous thing. And taking the morning slowly because you've done hard work lately, both in school and in life and can use a break to play games and write letters- to send a stack of green envelopes filled with blue letters to a place that once went by the name of another color altogether, all of these are good things. And to, right after sending them, receive a letter almost like a reply from a girl who hasn't thrown a word your way since a year ago this month...is purely marvelous. To listen to music and receive e-mail that says wonderfully calming things like "are you ok calling me or would you rather I called you" (because even though you will learn better, it's nice to have friends who willingly love and understand) or pretends treats you like a deserving celebrity...and to have IM conversations where people tell you that your words have all the good qualities of a pillow...well...these are very, very good things. And they lead a girl to remember that the pain is finite, but the strength is not. I am not a passing fad.
My first thoughts this morning were of Tracy and what we- the lot of us- have learned the hard way through her death. Last night, I wanted to throw it away; tonight I made a typo that sounded similarly pained. The truth is? I absolutely know better than that now. The only place I know I can be peaceful, be connected to those I love, is where I am right now, by which I mean where I am in me and where I'm headed. So fuck the rest of it. Fuck what the depression tells me, what the eating disorder tells me, what the abandonment throws in for decoration; fuck it all. I'm me, and I'm not temporary. I'm complete.
chord
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