Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

7:30 p.m. - 12/29/01
||with this nganon, one could poison by osmosis...!|
Whatever new software my mom got for Christmas was created by someone with advanced OCD. I know because all of the silly little things that used to bother me (like the fact that if I opened another browser window in the same program as one I'd previously opened, it was not next to the other window of that program unless I did them chronologically without, say, putting on music during the interim period) work the way I used to wish they would. This is the less succint way of saying I like it, whatever it's called...though I couldn't tell you if you asked. Which you won't...because I'm filling space to hear the keys click and no one cares to hear me elaborate further. Keys clicking is a good feeling, as is a sense of productivity. It makes up for there being *no light* up here (except the one or two dim lamps)...I heard today that light therapy is a good treatment for bulimia, as well as some types of depression. It makes sense that my parents might as well be moles - or vampires...yes, vampires would have made more sense.

But isn't there something inherently shady about a mole? The whole nark-connotation/ Wind In The Willows interpretations aside? Isn't there something innately suspicious about these beings?

I think so, too.

A slight sidebar- why when I look up something *completely* innocent online (remember me? the girl with the major sex-phobia?) am I offered a link to the world's best rape and incest fantasies? Do they want me off my rocker? I thought Cami was the conspiratorial one...where is all this shitty stuff coming from?

I wish someone like her *would* take over the world...before we raptor-/atomgirls are all extinct.

The underground breed of ethnic cleansing...not that there's a whole lot of that stuff *above ground.*

If you think *this* is bad, stop reading. Otherwise you might be overwhelmed by how long I can go on about nothing. La la la la la la...

You could always go read the dictionary. That's an interesting way to pass the time. I suppose it popped into my head because Britt was talking about wanting to expand her vocabulary, and I was thinking how I never did anything like that (read the dictionary, I mean) unless I was extremely bored and trying to amuse someone. In actuality, I was never the type to look up words in books or even determine their meaning via context clues. Unless it was virtually impossible. For instance, the first time I read Melusine (which is fabulous if you're not easily triggered) I worked to decipher the very simple French it uses because I knew no French and had no idea what she was talking about. By the second time, I'd sung some French pieces, and easily skipped over the French, no worse for laziness. Que pasa? Mary: lazy...but words stick in my head. There's all that empty space up there for them to fill...

la la la la la

Actually, what I was really thinking about in terms of Britt's entry (see me talking about her far too much today? very dangerous) was whether or not I use my apparently large vocabulary to keep people down, and I've decided that really I don't. It's certainly a defense mechanism I have-the more coherent and articulate I sound, the more scared I am-but I don't intentionally *hurt* people with it...I just attempt to keep them from hurting me. Yes, that's it. Protection. The same reason I'm learning to box. No wait that was anger management. Oh, do you see how muddled things get in my head?

Yes, muddled. Confused. My head feels like a 2-liter soda bottle someone shook continuously just to get a close-up of the tornado. Though I do think a few things are starting to make sense, the *way* they are starting to make sense doesn't exactly keep me hopeful. As far as I understand it right now-

1.) I am having trouble eating, evidenced by the fact that even when I tell myself I am going to eat a good meal, I end up eating little, and then having an increased compulsion toward purging.

2.) In the past my lack of food-intake has been partly due to the fact that I felt an intense shame/guilt for who I was and how I thought that others saw that person (me)- thus I inhibited her (my) ability to hurt people, simultaneously showing others I was aware how bad she (meaning, I) was (meaning, am)...thereby winning back some humanity. After all, if I were evil, but I attempted to contain that evil, wouldn't that somehow, if only in a gold-star-for-effort sort of way, make me the slightest bit good? Or less bad?

(There's headache medicine available here. I don't endorse; I just inform.)

That's what the Doc said today. He said my struggle doesn't seem to have been so much about not being good enough as about being too bad. He said that I have (or feel I have) the power to destroy the world, or at the very minimum, certain members of it, which, although it didn't set well at first (seeing as I feel *so* powerless) makes a great deal of sense in reality...because of the following:

1.) I told people at RED that if I spoke up to my mom about how I felt she would jump out a window and die.

2.) I told those same poor people at RED that if I informed my parents I didn't want to come home, they'd go crazy. (I.E. Jump out a window and die.)

3.) I told my mother I was concerned about sharing how I felt with her, even when *I* was doing well because although I knew that I would walk away the situation relatively unscathed, I worried she was too fragile to keep from brooding over it.

4.) I have in the past been told that my feelings were someone's motivation for suicide.

5.) I'm more worried that people will believe my perception and the world will break than I am that people won't believe me and I'll be alone. And if anyone reading this is even partially aware how terrified I am of being *utterly alone* - then maybe you can understand this "malignant power" the doc says I have...or think I have...

So...

3.) If I have a history of not eating when I feel I'm wronging the world simply by breathing, perhaps the key is to figure out why I feel I've wronged them more *now* than I did a week ago...which is fairly obvious, honestly. It's the girl. (I will not type her name right now.) I should have died instead of her. My death I could have justified (shame, flat world beliefs, somehow it would have made sense) but hers I cannot logically understand...so I guess I project that belief onto others, thereby believing once again that *they* believe I am worthless and though I was not directly responsible for her death, they resent me simply because my existence is a constant reminder of how unjust the world is.

I'm like the driver in a car accident where the passenger is killed.

Thus, my guilt, contributed to by the fact that my homelife is still slightly subpar, and my discussion of it rockets me even lower into subhumanity, has escalated to the point where it is once again difficult to sustain basic life.

i.e. Eat.

If nothing else, I guess it gives me something I can do in the situation. I can't stop what happened, which implies to me that I can't keep any other horribly unfair things from happening (which flowers into the belief that every horribly unfair thing *will* happen, and any moment now) but perhaps I can "repent" the situation and make them understand how sorry I am that she's gone...

This should be a breakthrough for me. But it's like talking with my mom - the logic may be completely absurd, but it's still so...logical.

chord

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!