8:35 p.m. - 01/23/03
dear dearheart.
Sara, sweet.
This is what I want to do for you. I want to pick up all the pieces and put them together in a brand new way, a way that fits, that functions, that keeps you safe the way I know you can be, the way I so know you deserve. I want to pick up the pieces and fix the situations, protect you from any more pain, and help you heal the pain that's still inside from the past. This is what I want to do for me. I want to keep you safe because I love you, because I can't bear to lose you, because you are one of the best people to ever happen into my life, and just the possibility that I could lose you is excruciating. It's too much. So right now, I want to know exactly what to do. I want to fix it for you, for me. It's selfish, partly, but I think you'd like this life, too. I think you'd really find it brilliant if you could pull out far enough to see the landscape here.
But maybe I don't know everything. After all, I don't know why it's so hard for you. It's been hard for me, too, yes- but it's never been so fruitless as it sometimes seems. I wish that I could find that key in your life, even though I'm not sure what it was in mine. That key that opens a hallway's worth of doors, that sets dominoes into effect, that makes it all start coming into place. I've been through this, am going through this, too; I feel like I should know. I should be able to share it with you. I want to be able to share it with you. I want to know.
What I do know is that it isn't your fault. It isn't your fault that you're fighting so hard; it's your strength. You're fighting. It isn't your fault that the illness is so resistent, and it isn't reason to give up. It's reason to fight that much harder. Part of what made Rogers so great was Rogers, yes, but part of what made it so great was us. We were getting well. You can find that again, that part of yourself, and the part of the world that supports it. There will be another home post-Rogers. I know because I can't bear not to have one. So, if we have to create it ourselves out of sticks and straw, it will be there. There are people out there who talk deeply, who understand life, who understand pain and overcoming it. Please. Know that it won't always be as awful as it has been, as it is. Know that there is good out here even when it's hard to trust.
I love you. I love you infinitely, in a way I can't describe. I'm grateful for you. I need you. I don't need anything from you; I just need you. I need you to do what you need, to be safe, to understand yourself, to tell me how I can help so that I don't go crazy doing nothing. I'm trying not to caretake; I wouldn't even know what to do. I'm trying not to pressure; you don't deserve more pain. I'm trying not to advise; you have far better wisdom inside than I can force into your world. I'm trying with everything in me to love- just love- even if it means worrying. Don't take my worry on. I know you're scared enough. Take the love. Know that I love you and a thousand times a day, I hold you in my heart. I cradle you. I dream dreams.
I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BELIEVE IN YOU.
~Mary
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