10:45 p.m. - 01/31/03
why can't they love me right?
I guess right now is just one of those moments when I'm too tired to cry but could probably benefit from doing so. It's amazing to me that people I met on-line, some of whom I've known only a matter of months, treat me with more care and more consistent understanding than my own family. I had a decent day, but I'm just amazed at people's inability to give me a break, especially this week, when it's so obvious that things are hell. My mom keeps congratulating me on getting through the days, and tonight I just snapped at her about it because she refused to go out of her way to do what would make it easier, she willingly put me in risk to satisfy her own wants, and then she's like, "Good job dealing with that." So now that I'm capable of surviving, no one cares anymore. Thanks. Appreciate that.
I'm frustrated. Venting. I'd rather vent than whine. I went out tonight with Mom and my brother and we ended up at this restaurant which I swear was crowded past fire capacity. It was deafeningly loud, and we waited for ages without getting a table. Finally, I started to snap. I asked if we could leave, Mom said- just wait and see if we're next; otherwise we'll go. One group later, I asked again; she said, wait one more group- we should be any minute. I said, "I'm going crazy; I *really need* to get out of here. Can we please go somewhere else?" She said, "Let me just check the list one more time." (The third.)
I want to cry now. Then I just wanted to hit her. It isn't fair, you know? It isn't fair that people can't even be decent when you feel like your world is falling apart, and for God's sake- she knows. She knows it's bad. And she didn't even throw me a bone in a situation that was obviously triggering both my eating and anxiety disorders. She didn't even care enough to put herself aside for one second. I am not a freak about restaurants generally. I go to this place with them often. It just wasn't fair.
Meanwhile, my brother is making fun of this high school boy with a flower curled behind his ear for not knowing how to be a "dude." And telling me that I don't get to complain because I'm not the one who "hasn't eaten anything all day." I really wanted to hurt him when he said that. Or rather, I wanted to hurt myself. People are just so stupid sometimes. That's the same shit my dad does. "My life's so hard; I never get the chance to eat." That's their fucking decision, and they should know better than to say to their struggling sister with the eating disorder that they haven't eaten. Jesus. Are they trying to hurt me?
And not just "I haven't eaten anything all day." You aren't allowed to have a voice or feelings or needs because you have eaten today. What kind of a fucked up message is that?
I felt like Mistrandy wasn't really in my corner today either. She was nice enough, but I just expected her to really be sweet considering Wednesday I broke down and cancelled, and she knew I was freaked. And she was sweet, it's just...I want someone to go out of their way for me right now. I mean someone offline; you all are amazing, honestly. It just isn't fair that the people I see everyday can't even deal with my illness, let alone with ME.
Oh, well. At least I managed that crying thing a bit. Someone take me home...
chord
p.s. I made an emergency bracelet that says I-heart-me...and interestingly enough when you glance at it, it almost looks like "HOME."
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