7:40 p.m. - 01/02/01
i don't hate you; i just can't hate me...
before i left red, when dave was really keen on me returning to this hellhole, i asked him to make me one promise: that if i called and told him i needed out, he would put the same amount of effort into helping me do that. i can't remember now if he agreed or not, but tomorrow i am voicing to harriet that i need *someone* to honor this promise, because i am not staying in this house anymore.
i finally realized today what it is they do, what it is goes wrong, what it is that makes this home so "toxic." i finally realized today that i did not randomly decide to quit feeling again (c'mon now, i'm a feelingswhore), but rather i am not allowed to feel in this house. in a very real way, i am not allowed to be angry, sad, etc unless it is at the exact time and for the exact reason that my parents are angry, sad, etc, and even then it's iffy. even then, i don't fully understand the rules.
there should not be rules. there should not be regulations. i should be able to cry without being treated like a lemming. i should be able to be angry without breaking the world. dr. r is right; i do have a malignant self-perception...and i have it because in my house, if you express anger, it isn't talked out, it isn't made better, it isn't allowed to run its course. it kills off everything. it explods. it takes me down with it, and it isn't safe.
as long as i stay here, i can't grieve tracy. and if i can't grieve tracy, or anything else, than i won't be able to stay healthy...i'm already restricting, fighting cutting and running away urges, and going to sleep early to keep from purging. i'm already two steps away from a fullfledged relapse. so fuck it, i'm getting out. i don't care if i'm sick and no one wants to be responsible for me. i don't care if i end up in a place where no one knows how to deal with me. i don't care as long as i can go somewhere that is clean and lets me cry.
they aren't bad people, but this household is hell, and i might as well put myself inside one of those "pro-ana" groups, as stay here.
so fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it.
if i have to pack granola bars and live under a bridge, i will not stay here...
+
i sound sure-footed but i'm really breaking...
chord
�
�
