2:53 p.m. - 03/29/03
private publication.
Stress...
For the first time I'm aware of, someone I know off-line (a friend from N*land) found my journal. When I received the "someone signed your guestbook" message, I completely assumed it was for caged-freed, but it was atoms. Mass confusion worsened by the signature "an old friend." Pretend to be me going through my mind of old (diaryland) friends. Pretend to have a slight panic attack, lessened when I'm able to follow a link and find who it is, and realize it's not anyone I thought it was.
And then realize, someone I've known (well) since seventh grade, someone I've been really close to, and care about, and did not meet online found Atomgirl. I don't think I was breathing. Where does all this stress come from? Yes, Shannon's in the hospital, and my parents are crazy, and there's no time for school, and someone found my on-line journal, but...shouldn't I be ok with all that? Maybe...not?
I sent her a note straightaway to say that as much as I love her, I'd prefer she not read- gave her the links to nourish and caged, which I don't mind sharing, and felt like a really awful friend. How uncool am I? To be like, "hey, you found me! and we never get to talk anymore! and I miss you! please go away now." It's not that I don't trust her with everything that I have to write here; I completely do. That girl has been through so much hell; there's no way she'd be confused by any of my own...I just know that I'd write differently if I knew someone off-line was reading this.
And what sense does that make, really? Why am I completely ok with people that I befriend *from* this diary continuing to read it but really need people I know from other places to stay away? Why is my parents' logic - that if I'm putting it online, I'm crying out for them to read it - so completely inaccurate? I don't know, but it is. I don't know why I need what I do, but I need it. So if you know me off-line and want to know more about my life and feelings and thoughts, that's fine. Just stay the hell away from the place where I journal them. I need somewhere where what I feel in the moment isn't taken as what I feel in the long-term and what I'm confused about isn't common knowledge. I need to feel free to write whatever I want without worrying who will read it. Family, non-online friends. Please give me that much. Respect me that much.
I write in an online journal because...
I really do like meeting new people, connecting because of writing, being able to share my experience through words.
It's a relief to me that I can write an entry, hit the "done" button, and have it fly away into cyberspace. It feels further away than it would in a paper journal.
I type so much faster than I write.
I've made some really good friends at Diaryland, and I like that possibility. I like the community, and the fact that, for the first time ever, I actually journal regularly.
I can change its look at the drop of a pin and lose less money on new blank books.
I do not write in an online journal because it's ok with me, or I secretly want, people who know me off-line to read it. I'm saying flat-out this is not why I write in an online journal. This is the sort of thing that could keep me from doing so, which is sad because it's *such* a good thing for me. So, if you are someone who knows my smile or my family or my "hometown" - please leave me be. It's the youngest child's obligation to read other people's journals. That means, *I'm* the one who's supposed to do this (in my family; outside, even youngest children need to stay away.) Please do me this kindness.
Just like with this one friend, it has nothing to do with not trusting you or not loving you, or feeling the need to hide things from you. You can certainly know more about me if you want to. Just do it in a less passive way. Just ask.
I don't want to have to put locks up against a world I really like.
chord
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