12:01 p.m. - 07/09/03
it's time to make this something that is more than only fair...<3
Why do I wait?
You talk like Wisconsin, which means your tongue plays your teeth like a cimbalom, and the sound makes my heartbeat dance something long-ago-familiar. You're so happy to hear from me, so happy, so downright excited. Ecstatic. And I want to bottle your happiness and drink it when I hang up the phone, sip it bubble by bubble until I'm healed. Healed of missing you. I want to take your gladness and your joy, borrow them, and build myself new out of your love. The best love. The only love that ever gave me life as I could live it. You talk and I can see your smile in your voice. I can see your eyes through the telephone. I can see your posture, I know how you hold the receiver while you talk. I know how to listen to you; I'm good at listening to you. I'm even better than I was at weeding through the well-intentioned painful parts to the purity of your feelings for me, mine for you, the relation. I'm even better than I was. I want to love you now, as I am now; I don't want any delays or excuses or no-thank-yous. I just want to love you and be loved by you now, and when you sound that happy on the phone; I think why. Why can't you just call me sometimes? Why do I have to wait all this time to pluck up the courage I only find in desperation, when I had horrible dreams of sickness and school, where you'd pass by and I'd reach for you - just let me touch you; I know you have to leave... just let me feel your arm here for a second - when I'm past the point of pressure I can take. Why do I wait? Why do I have to wait? Why can't I ever say it out loud, the way I can here? I miss you isn't enough. Even more considering where I am and how things are isn't enough. I came the closest today that I ever had, but only with a woman who's already given me her promise (oh, my Stacy...thank you...thank you...thank you to a level you may never understand) ... Don't leave me. Now that I can tell you I'm eating well with few exceptions, and I'm making my way through, and I'm going to get it together and meet people and be well, and I'm going to go to school, and yes, I like the way you said it - I will "have the time of my life." Don't leave me now that I've taken up residency in the round world. Don't leave me now that I look so well next to those girls you work with day in and day out. Don't leave me because I know how hard to laugh when you say, "Did you ever think I would take over for Dave?" even if it's only for a week. It's hilarious, and I know. I know more than a resident should know; I always did. Don't leave me because I don't seem to need you in the ways you're used to being needed, and the intensity with which I need you (in other ways) seems frightening. Know that it's Mary. I'm not intimidating (not "in to dating", Leah, "intimidating") ... I'm a scruffy little stray, a kittypup, a girl who loves more fiercely for all those years that no one showed her how, and I love you, and I'd give you everything, but I won't because I know I need some of my own. I just want to hold you. I just want to hold onto you. I just want you to hold onto me. You are my home. I need you to know that. I need you to agree to that. I need to be able to say it, like a proposal of something that already is. Like, "I love you, and I need you in my life" met with, "I love you, and I'm here, of course I'm here."
I know you can't see where I am, and I know you can't feel what I feel, and I know that talking to you was the best thing that has happened/ will happen to me in weeks. But. I need you to hold onto me. I wish I could say it. I wish I could say it to Leah when she answers the phone and I don't know which Leah she is and I don't know if she'll remember me, and she does, and I know, and we talk. Sometimes it's awkward because we never quite hit our stride, but she's still part of what made the world turn again, after it stopped and melted halfway. She's still part of the bridge into the Round World. She's still home. I wish I could stay it to Stacy, who seems to understand the best, who talks to me like she hasn't missed a beat, like we haven't been silent for months. I wish I could say it to Stephanie, who I almost, almost talked to - who I will talk to when I call again... Say stay. Stay in my life. Go wherever you want to in yours, and I won't say a word, I promise, just hang onto me. Just stay with me. Don't leave me alone in the world without you. I never liked it here, and now is no different, despite the fact that everything has changed.
And Brea...you aren't there now...I need to e-mail you separately. I need to ask you back into the relationship you were so ready to rekindle.
And Dave. And Sara...
I'm so glad you called! Call again soon, ok? I know sometimes you say it's hard. Call again soon. And if I want to ask you to promise, can I please promise you something of my own? Promise to call. Promise to call. I don't care if I have to reach out every time, if you'll be there every time. I don't care how uneven and out of whack we seem, if we're in step everytime we check in. Promise me you won't stop loving me. Make me promise I won't quit calling. Make the bad dreams that can suspend you out of reach leave me alone. I love you. You're all I want of life, and I'm willing to compromise on that point. I'm willing to do more than love you; so long as I'm allowed to have that love - to love and be loved - I will do other things as well. Just promise to hold me long-distance.
I spent a long time disappearing, a long time barely visible. Promise me you see through my disguises, my cloaks, my charms, my curses. Promise me you'll be here no matter who I am or what I feel. I'm still Mary. Still your Mary. Still Mary, eternally grateful for everything you've done.
And will do. Will do. Won't you? Please. I will do everything I can to call again, if you will do everything you can to answer. It's been too long. It's been too long. It needs to be often; it needs to be now. It needs to be like seeing the doctor and talking to Sara, and taking care of myself. Checking in often where love stays constant. Calling almost as often as I love you...considering we have other tasks to perform and my phone bill would run high if I never got off of it...
Thank you for answering the phone. Leah. Thank me for not hanging up. Mary. Thank you for giving her the phone. Leah. Thank you for the way that you talk, Stacy, and for everything you say. I have taken up residency in the Round World, and I want you in my city. I want you in my apartment complex. I want you, always, always, always, in my world.
Love me. Say you will not let that go. Say...you will not let me go...
chord
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