9:05 p.m. - 09/10/03
<( i'd not believe it til I'd loved; I love. *)
(silly) nonsensical babblings on my part imply a turn for the better. some random examples:
"how can you be sad with a pet penguin?" - and - "may the presence of penguins protect you through all your days" which makes even less sense if you aren't Shannon, to whom I was typing at the time, and don't know why on earth penguins matter so much. though honestly, I think Lindsey gets the quote-of-the-night award with, "She's going off the deep end, and she's using me as her diving board." now that's a line worth stealing...
there are more parts to my saga-of-the-past-week, obviously, but I feel more compelled to talk about today, and therefore am interrupting said story once again to do so. I'm feeling significantly better today, although I'm afraid to say so, aware that the events behind the feelings are nowhere near finished smacking my emotional self around. it doesn't help to have a doctor who responds to that fear with, "I guarantee it." I guarantee that you are going to feel really terrible again, really soon. honest, yes, but not exactly comforting. in the meantime, though, today was better...if only because I was expecting to have a bad day and was therefore surprised by the little bits of goodness inside of it. and the session was sweet...light, but not entirely fruitless...and I walked to it, down sidewalks, past beautifully amazing trees. (I didn't walk from my apartment, which would take about an hour, unfortunately. I don't know that I could survive an hour's walk, considering the fact that sunlight is now toxic to me. Stupid side effects of helpful meds.) I was very weak, physically, by the time I got to his office (which is really depressing; it was only a ten minute walk), but emotionally I felt better. It's the first walk I've taken alone since the move, the first walk I've taken in ages with a destination - not simply for leisure, and it was so lovely. I looked at the trees and remembered that I'm where I am right now out of choice and for a good reason. I don't need to beat myself over the head with abusive standards and the "what would the people at Rogers" or "your grandma" or anyone else in my life "think if they saw you right now?" I can just go slowly, and learn, and try to believe in something better in my future. Doubt the current certainty that something better is impossible, et cetera. Eat, drink, speak, and be Mary, as best as I can. And make a friggin phone call to Rogers. It'll be a month on the eighteenth. I want to do it before then. I'll make that the goal, I suppose, though I'm nervous. Experience insists I will not grow less nervous by waiting.
you know, I think one reason I like this layout right now is because spirituality is so present for me at the moment. between my Grandma's death (and I know that's improper capitalization, but it seems proper so I'm going to allow grammar to screw itself for a moment), the uncertainty about my own life course, and even the weird implications involved in "letting go" (by which I mean that not-exactly-forgiveness-process where I don't let the rage destroy my clear and powerful energy, but don't absolve anyone either.) there's a lot of Christianity poking into that last process, at the moment. one of the things that I very strongly hate (stand your ground, this may be shocking) is the propaganda glorifying eating disorders, and as I was welcoming ring members today (often a difficult task, considering how often members also belong to groups glorifying eds), I started to think about how I'm going to try and deal with this. I don't want to respond without anger because it does make me angry. "If you're not angry, then you're just stupid; you don't care/ how else can you react when you know something's so unfair?"^ seems appropriate here. And releasing that and trying to approach the situation more lovingly feels so much to me like asking Jesus to take my anger away and give me the right words, which I've just never been able to handle. I don't want to be anyone's savior, and I don't want to be the vessel that indirectly connects savior and saved. I'm not interested in that task. But I'm still having trouble determining how I balance valid anger with the desire to place myself in love as deeply as possible at all times, to act from my deepest beliefs. I suppose it's ok that I'm still confused, considering I only started to think about this a few days ago...although, I've been working at my response to ed glorification (in terms of not caretaking and so on) for quite a bit longer. And the doctor says that, given how punitively religion has been used in my experience, it's amazing I have a spirituality at all. I'm not sure how I'd survive without one, but that's still a good point. At the very least, it's an explanation of why I'm so wary of anything that reminds me of Christianity (so. many. bad. experiences), which will hopefully keep the lovely Christians in my life (and those who know better than to dismiss or condemn them) from feeling affronted.
no comments on the new layout, so I'm assuming (of course) that everyone hates it. I'll say what I've said before; I'm incapable of staying with one layout for very long, so if you don't like it, don't worry. It won't last... (I think I set a record - in terms of chordchild - with the last design. how many months did that stay up? how much do you not care?)
I did have things of actual interest to say. I'm trying to remember what they were. and, hey, I just checked my guestbook, and the layout did get some love! yeay!
I guess in all honesty, not a lot happened today. I finished reading The End of the Affair, which is incredible, and so sad, after which I switched to some light folktales with a focus on strong female protagonists. I spent most of this time in a room at one of my mom's many workplaces, a building of "sacred spaces" in keeping with the different religious values, practices, et cetera. The prayer room I ganked was so incredible, I actually did end up "praying" (mostly breathing, an old exercise I learned from Lisa where you breathe in what you need and exhale what you want to let go of...also, some stretching) for about twenty minutes before my walk. I could probably even be talked into going back, which, considering it's a public place where I might have to actually (gasp) interact with people is impressive. Good space.
To skip back to the earlier subject of letting go, I think part of the answer is defining the boundary between anger and hatred. Because anger isn't separate from love. I've experienced people whose anger testified to their love for me. Anger and I so need to go into couples therapy, though. Seriously. This relationship is not working.
Mom told me a lovely story about what transpired in the waiting room toward the end of my session. Apparently, a salesperson came in (peddling drugs, as they often do) and made a comment, for some reason, to the two women who work in the office that "we all make sacrifices for our jobs." The one woman said instantly, "I don't" and the other said, "Neither do I" which completely startled the salesperson. So he responded, "But if you weren't getting paid, where would you be?" and the first woman said, "Right here. I would be right here. I love my job." He just stared at her and said she really must. Then she came out of the office area into the waiting room and showed him to cards that said "Welcome back."
"Do you see these?" she said. "I just got back from my fifth vacation this summer, and these were waiting for me."
"All paid?" said the salesman, meaning, of course, the vacations.
"Of course not!" she said. "But there are cards here to welcome me back. That's what I love about my job. They treat me so well here. They treat me better than my family." I grinned. She's a lovely woman, and obviously whenever I see one of the two doctors in the office interact with her, it seems like there's a decent relationship, but to hear how genuine that is, and that it extends to those times when no client is around to observe...why, simply to hear that she'd rather be there than anywhere else delighted me. It's a gorgeous prospect, to be where you like best with people who treat you well.
At the end of my session, the doctor said, "See you Monday?" and I took a deep breath, nodded and said (with a small smile) "Hopefully." Just because it's been a rough week. He smiled, too, and then - aware of all the hopelessness I've been feeling lately, he nodded firmly and said, "Hopefully." It lightened my heart a bit.
If I think about tomorrow or next week or a year from now, I lose my mind, but for the moment, I'm seem to do ok staying there.
chord
"The only way you can endure your pain is to let it be painful." -Shunryu Suzuki <--one of the doc's very good points during our phone talk
Plus some marvelously sincere words from my Laura: "...our deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved grandmother. I know the ache is visceral and deep. And your longing for lost things - never had, will lead you to your future. It is a dark gift. But I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's NOT a train!!!" I love her. in general, I love.
^Ani
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