9:16 p.m. - 09/18/03
somebody leave the light on.
I don't think I've seen Kim since the day I didn't know Tracy was dying - two days before I heard. She sent a card to my mom which arrived tonight and what can I say? I sneaked a peek at it. For complicated and not-so-interesting reasons, she heard "the news" (about my parents) from Sarah. She said she knew the tragedy was even more keen for my mom, but all the same she "sobbed and sobbed." That's why I love her. And I couldn't help but be reminded that I want to sob and sob, too... I haven't yet. Should I warn the doctor tomorrow? Or do you suppose he's come to expect that?
He gave me water Monday because he wanted to "encourage crying over this." I don't remember now exactly what "this" was...
Good moments today: I went to "the other arts district" (we live between two, and have been patronizing only one) with my mom, met a firefighter posing as a gallery owner, and stumbled across a copy of an out-of-print Joanne Greenberg book in one of, - oh... two? - remaining independent bookstores here. I walked to the nearest mailbox, fuzzy legs bared for the first time (ever), and when I went to post the letters there were some twenty small children gleefully running around in a fountain. I almost talked to Shannon. I heard from Chas.
Chas is going to the Carribean to get married. I'm overjoyed for her, but it's hard to tell that because there's all this sadness and fear and abandonment on top of it. I've had an irrational, excuse me, transrational response ever since she started dating this guy: I feel like I'm losing her. And I don't think it's even so much the pseudo-crush I had on her, so much as how much I needed her. In some ways, my pseudo-crushing and the mother-needing have been rather confused. I imagine myself now as a will-be stepdaughter, taking my fatherless mother down the aisle, and giving her away. It makes no sense. There's no reason this will take Chas away from me. And yet, I remember when she said, "I want you at my wedding. I want you to meet my children someday." Now she's getting married in the Carribean. Now I won't be there.
As for my actual parents, I'll just leave that alone for a night. One night. Really, I'm ok; there's just this sadness. Ah, grief. Surprise...
chord
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