8:55 p.m. - 01/18/02
no me gusta monarchies.
it's one of those nights when I want
to have a one-word name or at the
very least a layout that makes one's
eyes tear up from beauty. I want
so much to see some reflection that
is not just "the night in the country"
when the clouds are too heavy for
the stars to come through despite the
lack of streetlights; she makes no
sense but wouldn't it be nice to be
beautiful in that non-eating-disordered
completely calm and collected sort of way?
school will not house her, they have
made this a reality; they have put it
in writing and signed on the dotted line
just as she did with the contract
just as easily broken, but harriet promised
said - the only way you will attend
school is if you sign yourself up and
rereading her own thoughts clarifies
the lacking likelihood of such an event.
still - something bothers her
something tapers off the edges of her relief
keeps her from sighing too deeply
all this business about who the process is about
and who is the one in charge of it
simple: my recovery is not about my mom
and my recovery is not a classist process
it would work much better in the cooperative way
of everyone does what they do best
and we get better, at least enough
to sleep through the night without
screaming obscenities at phantasms
long since discovered real.
if you do not like odd third person
termanology here is how it goes:
1. a letter from harriet saying in no uncertain terms school is not a happening event at the moment
2. a letter from dr. r saying that my reality is real and i should not doubt myself
3. a meeting with harriet wherein she discusses the fact that i am not going to school, she was not involved in that decision, and from now on she will make the recommendations
4. mary a bit nervous about the insinuated power struggle; after all, harriet is very competant, but dr. r is the one who makes feel like liquid dreaming
5. a return home whereupon mom rants about how she's being left out of the loop and i tell her it isn't her loop to be in
6. calls between dr. r and mom regarding how much i don't love her as well as why he should be in charge
7. thoughts keeping me up about how he is the one i trust most unflinchingly, yet my recovery is perhaps the only part of me my mom does not yet own stock in - therefore, if the doc "in charge" could be the one she doesn't want (harriet not r) perhaps it would be a good way for me to gain ground
8. tomorrow when i meet with him i want to make it known that he is the one i trust without question and harriet is the one whose competance keeps her on-board - however, were our decisions to vary too much, she might find herself fired, only i have separation anxiety and don't want to do this, only why on earth would a class system be better than happy-communication between doctors?
9. i think it's good for me to go to a doctor i don't swoon over; it keeps me from being in love with therapy too much, but if we disagree too thoroghly here, that could be a problem except
10. i don't want my mom to think she won...
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.fan.
chord
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