9:05 a.m. - 02/02/01
quest?ons.
still concerned about the whole harriet-dr.r-situation. (i.e. I feel like shit lately, and the only people I have to talk to make me feel worse.) I'm confused because I know that good therapy is *hard* therapy...I don't want to lounge through amiable discussions like I did with Judie upon my return; I want to delve into issues, and eventually find the strength to stop being stubborn and change my life...but...I'm really scared about that...and I wonder if having a therapist who pushes me to the point that I don't trust, instead acting out in stubborn and often destructive ways, really is helpful. I mean...in order for me to reap the benefits of her being so strong, I have to quit fighting with her...and can I do that? it's been nearly three months...
I just took this test on-line that's supposed to tell you if your therapist is a good, competant match. (I *know* she's competant. I just don't know if I am.) Anyway, if you say yes to 10 or more of the forty questions, you're supposed to consider terminating. (This sounds a little too perfect for me; it seems like this kind of thing should be slightly more abstract than a numerical reality.) But maybe that's just the fact that I answered yes to exactly 10 questions, talking. 10! Talk about wavering on the edge. I feel the need to go back and re-evaluate what I said yes, too...remembering of course that many times I said yes, thought further, and changed it to no. I was trying to be very objective.
1.) Do you feel more worried and discouraged since you began therapy? (and desperate and worthless and without hope...) that's a definite yes. since it's about me, I can be definite.
2.) Do you feel reduced to an object of study by your therapist? well...see...I know she's a good person and I *shouldn't* feel this way...but...I do. I feel like I'm a completely expendable part of my own therapy. A variable they could replace and continue on with...the sum of my diagnoses and little else.
3.) When differences of opinion exist between you and your therapist, does he almost always insist that you are mistaken? Ok, saying yes to that was a flat-out lie. Harriet has never told me I'm mistaken. However, I've also never had a voice. My opinions seem to be irrelevant, more than mistaken. And when that bothers me, I'm just told (by Dr. R) that I'll be listened to when I've learned to nourish myself. (Hello, I've been on my meal plan for some time now...)
4.) Does your therapist appear to distrust you? Is he quick to assume that you are merely victimizing yourself and sabotaging your therapy? Ok, I question that yes as well. I feel distrusted by her, but at the same time she's *told* me that she will believe everything I tell her, and the only time she brought up me not being trustworthy was when I was being "dramatic" and she wasn't sure whether to trust me. She gets frustrated with me, though, with my "lying" ... she talks about how she can't help me if I'm not honest (I don't think she's aware how hard I'm trying to be honest) and I often wonder how, if she trusts me, she doesn't trust my ability to make decisions at all.
5.) Has your therapy created a situation where you feel pulled in one direction by your therapist and pulled in another by someone else in your life? see that's just a silly question because it *could* be that your therapist is pulling you in a good direction while some abusive spouse or the such-like is talking about the doc's crackpot ideas as he's beating you. anyway, this *has* happened...with harriet and dr.r, with harriet and my parents...this has certainly happened.
6.) Is your therapist a remote, aloof individual who exhibits all the human warmth of a computer? Ok, saying yes to that was just *mean.* Of course she's not this way. I mean, she did hug me once...and she always tells me to take care...but sometimes I feel like her "comforting" me is just an act because its so step-by-step. It's like, "Is there a way that I could comfort you now? Would it help if I sat by you? Would it help if I did this?" And I understand that she's trying to keep from assuming things or violating me, but it makes the whole situation seem so forced. Where in the outside world is someone going to say, "Would you find a hug comforting or invasive?"
Sometimes I just want her to *do* something and then we could deal with whatever the aftermath is. I get tired of always trying to prevent.
7.) Does your therapist seek to determien where some feeling or emotion is located in your body? stupid to say yes to this, too, because although she *does* - it's different in eating disorders...how I feel in my body when discussing certain things is relevant. *sigh* I knew she wasn't evil...
8.) Instead of planning a therapy session, does your therapist merely react to whatever direction a session spontaneously takes? I don't think that's true either. She always asks me what I feel I need to talk about, but I think it's more out of consideration than poor planning. Whenver I say "nothing" she always seems to have a plan. so no, that isn't true either.
9.) Instead of planning how to influence the behavior of someone else in your life, does your therapist merely hope that those changes will transpire by themselves? this test is dumb. seriously. is it me or is this question "does your therapist help you manipulate people or just work with you?" of course she doesn't help me influence people. she helps me try and talk with them, but when it doesn't work, we just deal with it. like, ok, my parents aren't going to change. now let's talk about the cutting...
10.) Is your therapist unresponsive to the idea of including other people in your therapy? Ummm...she feels, as do I, that family therapy is premature, and she doesn't want my parents infringing on my individual time. I wouldn't exactly call that a crime...you know?
God, why am I defending her? note to self: I really need to talk with her about this again. It just keeps coming back to the same point. I don't feel like I can trust anyone because I don't feel that anyone trusts me.
Why would they, when I'm the sum of my diagnoses?
chord
�
�
