10:00 a.m. - 11/23/01
climb on.
Feeling a little better this morning. I had good body image when I woke up (I slept sooooo well last night!) - it's kind of tapered off into awful since then, though. Oh, if only I could blame the clothes or the food. Flashback to RED: "Can't it be about the food? Just this once?" I'm guessing it's really about all the thinking I've been doing about my relationship with my mom, and the fact that I accidentally let it slip about an hour ago that she intimidated nearly everyone in the state of Wisconsin. She started to tell me they were all insecure, and I had to stop her (I'm not sure if that's a legal move or not, but I couldn't listen to it.) I told her that if the sentence she'd begun ended with any of the redloves being at fault, problematic, or insecure, it would be muy detrimental to our relationship. She stopped, looked surprised, and the conversation ended. I couldn't take another repeat of the Stacy conversation.
I'm kind of antsy to go back now...on top of the sadness. I have this energy to go out and do something. I hope I can apply it to New York, but it's more centered around wanting to get back on the ropes course, wanting to climb again, wanting to be out challenging myself in the world, instead of doing mundane therapy session after mundane therapy session. All this scheduled one-on-one time is making me crazy- along with my parents involvement in it. I liked talking one-on-one with people at Red, but I think that was because we had so much group time. Things feel static now without the group energy, and I really do miss being forty feet in the air walking across a log or flying on a zipline. I think Joe's football lesson yesterday sparked it in me. It got me thinking about how much better my body feels when it has the opportunity to do some of that stuff. Unfortunately, I'm still so self-conscious that I can't imagine partaking in anything remotely athletic, and solo exercise tends to be a dead ringer for my eating disorder. (Meaning, I always go too far. A 1/2 mile walk turns into an eight mile hike before I've had a second thought.) But the dynamic in rec was sooo good. It was spiritual athleticism, mostly thanks to Dwight's incredibly grounded philosophy. And I miss that opportunity. It isn't your average P.E. class I'm looking for here...
I feel better, too, now that I know we're leaving. Somehow last night, in the dark and the exit-less room, I somehow forgot I would ever get to go home. I guess I was having some sort of traumatic amnesia...I was caught in what *was* instead of what would be. But then, even what "was" ended with me going home. Or maybe it didn't. Maybe part of me is still trapped there.
Fucking body memories. I'm having one right now...I hate them, and I'm grateful for them at the same time. As Ellen said once, you can minimize your trauma till your blue in the face but one of the few things in life that doesn't lie is a body memory.
Hooray for topic-jumping. I'm off to see Harry Potter. *gulp gulp hooray*
chord
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