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6:55 p.m. - 06/28/02
old friEnDs. new enemies.
dear ed,

you are not worth my time. you aren't. you are not worth my thoughts, my energy, or my happiness. you are not worth the peace I've discovered, the friends I have made, or the dreams I'm building. I am worth so much more than anything you can offer. I do not need you, and what's more I don't deserve you. you are cruel to me, ed. you are endlessly, unflinchingly cruel, and I'll be damned if you're going to get control again just because there are cracks in my mind that let you slip through. that's it exactly: I'll be damned if I let you slip through. you ruin everything; you took my emotional life once, you won't take it again. I'm too good for you. I'm too strong; I've come too far. I don't give a fuck if I'm not underweight. I don't give a fuck if I'm not twiggy-in-progress. I am so sick of this game. this game is so sick.

you have no right to wake me up with thoughts of self-hatred; you have no right to turn my thoughts into your weapon. you are not what I need. *you never were.* I thought I needed you because I thought I didn't have any other options- well, you know what? I *have options* now. I know how to fight you now. I know how to live without you. I never quite managed to live with you running the controls in my head. I never quite managed to be happy.

so, what are you trying to do? running around in my head like I'll give in and come back to you...what is your goal? *you aren't going to win.* I know better than to trust you now. you promise me power; I remember where that power led. I remember being completely untrusted, completely ruled, completely incapable of making my own decisions. you promise me happiness. I don't remember happiness. happiness was always the prize for a little more weight lost, a little more food refused. you didn't know how to make happiness, Ed. so damn you if you're going to fool me twice. damn you for what you did to me, what you continue to do. damn you for stealing Tracy away from us, for torturing my friends, for filling my head with nonsense, with lies. damn you for excusing me from the life I was meant to live. the life I want to live. I could be brilliant, do you understand? so don't give me this shit about control and weight loss and hiding below blankets because god forbid someone sees my ugliness. god forbid I have to put up with the extent of your ugliness again.

damn you for everything you've ever said and every person you've ever hurt. this night will not be my downfall, and you know what ED- you SHOULDN'T hold your breath. because DAMN YOU, I will win this if I have to take a hatchet to your head.

fucker.
chord

*

scene. boring exam room #612. mary sits on that annoying perch all exam room have, her mom in the corner, her crochet on a nearby table, the nurse practioner (who knows she has an eating disorder) at a counter writing notes.

the nurse practitioner: do you exercise?

mary: mm...a little. I mean, I bike and such.

the nurse practioner that's good. yeah. but I think you should do at least - one hour - of vigorous exercise a day.

mary: (laughing her "are you fucking kidding me" laugh) um, I can't do that.

mom: (overlapping, sounding ready to pounce) that's- counteridicative- to her recovery.

the nurse practioner oh. ok. well, then...let's see what else we test.

I'm scheduled for an MRI Wednesday morning. I'm terribly claustrophobic (of course) but I'll be damned if being stuck in a little tube and panicking myself into cardiac arrest can be worse than having a licensed medical professional spouting such ignorant BULLSHIT.

apparently the bliss of ignorance does not extend to witnesses...

a terribly offended
chord

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