5:20 p.m. - 07/05/02
you're blooming within?
I let the beast in and then
I even tried forgiving him, but it�s too soon
So I�ll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you�re getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I�m blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I�ll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can...
-fiona apple
I used to sing this song to others; now I think I need to sing it to myself. I need to imagine whole choirs of capable people singing it to me, telling me it's time to butt out of the problems I've taken on as my own. Remember what it was like to always have people saying- maybe it's because of this, maybe if we do that, you will be who we want you to be again? Remember what it meant to say out loud to Mom (when nothing was said out loud), "Leave us alone! Maybe we're not falling apart! Maybe we're falling *together!*" ...Remember how useless, how endless, the nights were when I was so sure Chas was not ok?
But she wasn't ok. But it would be worse to not do anything. It would be worse to pretend I didn't know.
I guess it isn't about pretending. Beattie even said as much. "Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by, people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our *true* responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment."
Then what *is* it?
"Ideally, detachment is releasing a person or problem in love." Which is fine. It's fine to say that, to understand it, even to imagine it, but that doesn't make it possible. How do I suddenly (or even gradually) not feel what you feel? How do I remain aware of and affected by problems I observe without being overwhelmed by them? How do I "accept" what I consider unacceptable, trust what I know does not always come through? It's easy when you have a Higher Power, when you know that you don't know everything, when you can't control it half as well as God...but it's not so easy when you know, you *know* damnit, that the girl with the hair like ripened grain was not meant to die at 17, and no one is promising that won't happen again. If you look closely, you can read between the lines that girls are still dying every day, phones are still ringing to inform roommates they are half a pair, and cyclically, more worlds are crashing in...
you. do you just deal with this? do you just think, "there's nothing I can do that I'm not doing," and move on? do you really say, "it's their life; it's their choice" and keep your footsteps anchored in reality? I can't imagine doing that. I always thought the only people who said "what do you want me to do? there's nothing *I* can do about it" were ignoring ethical, or just *human* responsibilities" and I can't imagine being that cold. I can't imagine looking at you and saying, "you can continue hurting; it's your choice" - because the truth is you are hurting *me.* The truth is when I see this pain, I am this pain. You play out my memories or paths I've never tried, and somewhere in myself I go there with you. These books make it sound like I'm not supposed to, like my boundaries are weak this way...but this is my gift, too, isn't it? This is my gift: to be able to see inside you, feel inside you, listen to your thoughts so I know what to say. I can slip inside your heartbeat sometimes; that's how I know when to carve a sentence and when to stroke your arm. I don't want to give that up, don't want to lose the gift with the chore, and what's more, I don't think I know how. I don't know how to stop feeling your feelings, even though these days I grow better and better at feeling mine. I still notice when your eyes lower at that angle; I still notice when you turn a phrase that certain way.
so *what?* am I avoiding my feelings by vacationing in yours? or do I really feel what you feel without a second thought? why can't I be enough, just my feelings, just my actions, just my energy, and nothing more? why do I need so desperately to save you in order to be saved? I trust you a thousand times, but there's this secret evil in the world I'm scared will steal you, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who knows it's there. I feel so weak because I can't protect you from what you see as good.
take eating disorders. because they're a big part of this for me. I believe a thousand times over that anyone who decides to fight will make it. but you don't all decide to fight. and then, there's Tracy, who wanted it so badly she inspired. who wanted it so badly and is gone.
so what the fuck is this world I'm living in?
chord
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