11:40 a.m. - 07/10/02
((it's here and it's now you must help if you can))
The Women are chanting to me as I write this, and everything feels peaceful. Yesterday my stomach was all sadness; today I feel it in my throat, behind my eyes, but I don't feel overwhelmed. A deer, a finch, and a dog visited me on my ride today, and they brought such gentleness and healing. Actually, the dog threatened to maul me, but having been raised with very mixed spirituality, I knew this just meant I'd been ignoring his rather important message. Sure enough, my most trustworthy guide reveals the Dog as healer of emotional wounds and bearer of understanding in issues regarding "the duality of doubt and faith." I'd say the dogs won't maul me tomorrow, and I'd say that if they do, I'll be hugging them and scratching gently behind their ears.
Her blood has taken in the sun and baked the way the earth will bake; not all her genes are named.
My internal calendar says today is Saturday; Wednesday feels forced, but I'm doing my best. I have some letters to write, some breaths to breathe, a drive to make. I need to decide whether I want to talk with Sara or if I just feel bad because it's been so long. I need to be gentle with myself and know that I am understood, I am cared for, I am safe. It's ok that I'm struggling, it's ok that I'm not expressing this through food, and it's ok that I have needs. I feel much more peaceful today than I have been feeling. I have no idea what I want to do tomorrow, next year, or as an adult, but it's not as if my plans will have much weight against Divinity. which isn't to say that I'm giving up all responsibility for my future. I'm just giving myself permission to experience the present.
after all, I need to find some way to not follow all of my thoughts with, "oh, that's going to be a bad one to go over during the Life Review." Elisabeth confused me. I feel like she expects perfection at the same time she says we are all perfect and negativity is a human creation. why do I feel this pressure if I'm ok as am? why do I need to force my evolution if everything is going as planned, as is good?
I've beaten down Christianity the past few days. I want to apologize for that. I have a great fear of being judged for being spiritual, and Christianity has been a fearful component in my life. but it has also contributed to the peacefulness of many incredible beings in my life, so you'll understand when I say I'm not talking rationally, only to release my fear.
I feel a great hope now. A week or so ago I read the handful of journal entries written my first week at Rogers, and I was struck, not by how sick I was, but how healthy. There was so much good and hope and health in me, even with the overwhelming pain. And I see it in others. I read journals of people I barely know- friends of friends, and so forth- and I see their anger and their fear and sadness, but I see, too, that they are *struggling*, they are *fighting,* they are truly trying to understand themselves. I see how human they are, in a way that has no words.
It makes me want to trust them. To touch their hair and say, "You will be alright." Not, "I'm here if you need me" (which I am) - not "I know this is hard" (which I do) but, "You will be well." Because I can see the flicker of magic in their eyes, as in my eyes, the strength in their breath, as my breath.
I just feel the love today...
a quiet/chord
�
�
