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5:35 p.m. - 12/12/01
tired/atlas.
I feel in place; the world surrounding me seems to be as tired as I am - therefore I feel well-supported. I am listening to Tracy Bonham which might seem unfitting for a soft moment in a rainy evening, but things just feel good right now, and since she is a part of this moment that feels good, I don't see reason to alter my choice. It's probably because she's a Brea reference that she feels so kind even as she's angry, and also, I'm rather angry; I'm a *rather* angry girl, and I think it's okay for girls to growl even as they snuggle. Purr with slight malice, as it were...

At least I'm making *slightly* more sense than I did in the last entry. mwa ha ha.

A most frightening thing is happening since I returned from the lovely coast- my doctors are looking at me as if I were a healthy human being. I met with Tammy last night, and she actually put me our visits on as-needed basis, said she was perfectly comfortable with that, and I should just stay in touch. And Bronwyn, the woman who runs the IOP program, told me today that she's not worried about my food - this after we discussed symptom management and to each of my answers she basically nodded and replied that my solution sounded rational. It's odd, but I *do* know how to deal with things now; I really do. I watched Oprah today for the first time in probably six months (Gary Zukav was on) and they were discussion emotional awareness and how the impulse to do compulsive things is a way of avoiding emotions. They were talking to all these middle-aged women about reclaiming their lives from obsessive cleaning, work, etc. And it occurred to me, I already *knew* this, and I already *do* this...and there was really no reason for me to be watching that at all.

So I took a nap...which John abruptly ended by blaring Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" cover. I woke up very amused. He's such a sweetie.

I kind of feel like I'm playing with a Rubix cube the past few days...but only the initial phase of the Rubix cube, when you still feel like you're capable of solving it, when you're amazed at how well everything is working, when you have yet to become irritated. I enjoy the little back and forth between me and life lately, the slow way things slip into place. I *enjoy* it...I like figuring things out, I like feeling like I have time to do so, I like trusting that [coincidence] will kick in when necessary...

I like being told that I'm healthy, even as my heart starts to hurt, and I have to do a little grieving. I *do* have to grieve a little when I'm told such things, unfortunately, because I start to feel lonely, like if I'm not sick no one will care about me, no one will look after me, no one will talk to me. I have to grieve for how true that has been in my life, for the fact that I helped sustain that as reality. But I know better than to believe it right now, and since it *is* true in this household, since positive attention from my parents is not even a *potential* reality right now, I just have to keep my eyes open for the forces that will love me.

I've decided that I will write a letter to Chas (a snail mail letter though; e-mail feels like a forum of my dependency) explaining how sad it makes me that our relationship grew sick along with me and how I want to reestablish us as a purely good thing. I *am* catching up, slightly, on my correspondence. I'm going to send out a letter to everyone in my off-line life letting them know I'm back (sometime in the next couple of days) as soon as I send the letter to the newspaper asking them to retract some of the article they wrote regarding me. I told the IOP kids about my boxes of letters today, and I told them about the poster I have where hands support my little-self, and how all of the hands are signed with encouraging notes from red-loves...

I wish Jenna had been there to sign it. I got a letter from Jenna just after I returned from NY, and I'm so glad she sent it. It wouldn't be right for us to fall out of touch. Of all the people I connected to there, I knew only a small minority would be lasting relationships (that was part of what made leaving so difficult) but Jenna was definitely meant to be one of them. I told her about what Chas was for me...we screwed with Dave's head when he made bullshit remarks about homo/bi/trans/a/sexuality. We did things like lie against each other during group to mess with his mind...and just because- I liked it.

We talked about emotional intimacy and how unimportant the sexual part of attraction has been in our lives, and how we'd just rather be emotionally intimate with girls, even if the physical part is confused (in my case anyway.) She painted my toe nails with white out during check in and nearly broke my arm pulling me to groups.

I want her to come visit me so she can sign a hand. I'll settle for loving the little piece of handwriting at the end of her letter. I'll settle for loving that she uses arrows instead of commas when she writes letters. I'll just be happy loving her.

Bronwyn asked me today about my need for attention and how I keep it from becoming a motivator for my eating disorder. How I keep from thinking that the only way I can receive attention is by being sick. I told her I remember how much I preferred the positive attention I received in the hospital (as well as in NY), and I work to surround myself with people like those, as much as is possible. Sometimes that simply means reading my poster or my letters, sometimes calling someone, and hopefully, in the near future, actually developing relationships with people in the same town/county/*something*...

Until I leave. It looks like I am leaving. I suppose it's beginning to look like I have an addiction with going out-of-state, but really I'm just aware of the amount of distance it takes for my parents *not* to make the drive. And I'm aware that it's extremely important for me to not only get out of this house and into a positive environment (as John so brilliantly articulated a few hours ago "optimism is a sin in this house") it's important for me to know that at some point I will be doing so. I'm looking into boarding school. It sounds so odd to say that, but my parents make boarding school look like a lark, and I've had such good experiences with institutions thus far that I don't strike that option out so quickly as others might. Not that I do so worry-free either. I will be prudent. I hope.

Desperation and caution don't always get along so well.

Anyway, I'm looking into this arts academy out of state. The creative writing program looks simply fabulous - classes like in playwriting, fiction, prose, poetry. I should be receiving the information on admission and financial aid in the next few days, and then I can begin preparing a portfolio. There's a *lot* to work out, in terms of logistics, even if I *do* get admitted, which is hardly a tiny "if." Also, I can't transfer midterm since I've been out of school for a semester, which means I would enter in the fall as a junior (which I'm fine with) but have to find something else to do with the next eight months. See how many sides are in my current Rubix cube?

I read an article today that said since the publication of the Harry Potter series, the popularity of British boarding schools has soared. I found that very amusing. We're all in search of Hogwarts.

Things to Do:
-write Chas
-write Silje
-write Red
-IOP assignments
-find my letter to the editor
-send my letters to Jenna and Katia
-work on two new plays
-inform friends I've returned
-breathe deeply and smile at the sweetness

Shannon was there again today as well. Which just made me happy because when I say things she seems to understand so well. On a human, as opposed to textbook, level.

Samuel Beckett is currently god.

chord

"in this quiet little place/ i can't remember/ having known a different pace/ in this quiet little place/ i can surrender/ the beauty of its face/ and now everything i see/ whether it's an airplane or a tree/ it makes me wonder/ about the things i must have missed/ the chains around my wrists/ they are no longer..."

-ks choice "quiet little place"

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