6:20 a.m. - 07/20/02
(in which) i start making a deal, inspired by gravity.
grargh. waking up at 6 to catch a flight just doesn't work for me. though I do appreciate not being able to fuel my full energy into anxiety, I'm starting to feel like it's the first day of school. many years ago, when the first day of school implied waking up early to crawl into a building half-awake, each heartbeat a small explosion in my chest. gosh. was that really "many years ago"?
ok, two. so not forever. it's only two years ago that I went to school like a normal person. now I do many other things like a normal person, and try to understand that there are some that just don't work for me. like school. evil school. but I don't have time for that rant, which obviously, can fill a hundred entries if it chooses.
I'm actually starting to look forward to this trip a little, though I'm not so sure it's enthusiasm so much as the absence (or lessening) of dread. I started thinking last night about RED (I've been thinking a lot about that) and I remembered the first piece of rec. equipment that I ever mustered the courage to attempt: the zip line. The zip line was a massive structure: you climbed the first pole, walked across a log about 30 or 40 feet in the air, climbed onto a little platform, allowed yourself to be attached to a wire, pushed off the platform, and flew. This is the technical definition of it anyway; there were other emotional steps along the way, but I remember something about this piece, and truly, about every piece I ever did: the transitions. It was never so hard for me to be walking across as it was to climb onto a platform, never so hard to fly as it was to push myself off. I was always more scared of those last moments, and those in between places, than I actually was encountering the object of my fear. And I think that's true for my life as well, for things like this trip. I'm scared, yes, of what will happen, but the fear is nowhere near what it was yesterday. Perhaps, it's still asleep, like a normal emotion, but maybe, I'm really going to be ok.
I think I'm more scared of the plane ride than I am of the trip. And that's cool because it's only a couple hours, and if I calm down enough, I actually enjoy flying, after all. *deep breath* And when I walk into the gate my sister will be there, and that's really cool; no matter what problems we have- I've missed her.
Yesterday was so full of emotion and event; unfortunately, I have no time to document it. Maybe I'll scribble something down on the plane and post later. I'm bound to be a little behind in this during the trip, as Sarah's schedule rarely includes loitering around on the computer...now *that* isn't normal.
chord
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