5:00 p.m. - 12/17/01
where<>am|I->goingto<--?
I have to be my own savior.
That's the oddest thing to find myself accepting, perhaps the most difficult as well. All these years I've clung to art and religion that specifically stated someone else along the line would care enough about my life to fix it for me, or at the very least to "help" me fix it (meaning I would have to tag along & appear cooperative.) I never wrote a counselor into a novel thinking, if I can write these words, why can't I put them into place? I never had a love daydream that put into my head the possibility that what I wanted so desperately was something I could offer myself. I just kept writing, kept dreaming, kept saying, "Maybe someday they will come and see what's wrong. Maybe someday they will save me. Love me. Etc."
I don't want to be alone. That's what makes it *so difficult* to take care of myself; I feel like if I stand strong on my own, no one else will feel inclined to stay. I feel like if they are not obligated to by human decency (a.k.a. guilt) they'll leave. I don't want to fuck up my family because I feel like they are the only people in my life who *can't* leave me, or at least, who are unlikely to. And so if I screw things up (any worse than I already have) I'll be alone. Yes, things escalated last night to a very bad place; yes, it is of upmost importance that I get the hell out of this house; yes, I probably could survive here, but my spirit perhaps could not. I feel like I'm being beaten. I feel like their words and eyes are fingers sticking down my throat, bringing up shame like vomit, making me sick again.
I want to go home.
My head is spinning in circles. There is a constant nerve pain headache I call shame. It's physical, it's bad, it's taking over again. I feel the inner knives stinging at the same places on my body: the tips of my pinkie nails, the xs in my veins, the very center of each palm. Begging me to cut again, making empty promises I won't let myself test.
I need to get out of here, but I was taught (from my mom, ironically enough) never to leave somewhere without having a destination. Never to move away from something without moving *to* somewhere. I'm afraid to just leave, to find a place to crash, to invade someone's couch because I'm afraid that if I do so, that person will eventually ask me to leave (of course), and I will have no one. I don't want to leave because I'm afraid if I do my family will either literally or emotionally disown me, and I won't have anyone left to lean on.
I have to be my own support, but sometimes I need someone who really won't fall over.
Fuck, why did I have to get better? Why couldn't I just stay at red?
I'm so tired.
beatenchord
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