Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

7:00 p.m. - 11/01/02
par[a]nts.
I'm feeling so out of it right now. I really need to check in with someone, but can't, as Mom is waiting for a call. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I slept most of the day and didn't do enough homework. I also didn't take that psych test, as I woke up with a migraine on top of my cold, and have felt all horrible all day. I just need a little love, you know? I need a little grounding in the idea that there is someone out there I can reach and feel reach back.

I've been thinking about Jenna again/ still. I've been thinking about how, even though I have no idea what we are, or were, or could be, I still light up a little when I think of her. I want to cut my hair and wear my little boy t-shirts and be in a decent proximity to her. I want to lie against her, writing letters to all those other people I can't find. I need to call Sara and ask for the contact info she has, but what what what will I do if I hear she's at red or on her way to it? And Mom is waiting for a call. She's been rather rigid lately, despite my developing the plague, and I don't see much point in pushing her on it. I just wish...I just wish there was a way to make her understand that my needs are really important right now. She doesn't seem to get that anymore. I can't take all this bullshit with my dad leaving therapy, (not to mention the state), and basically regressing to who he was when I was first diagnosed. Generally speaking, that means I can't be in a room with him. Now on top of it my mom, who is actually trying, seems determined to clarify her *own* victim status, and it just leaves me completely crazed. Yes she is human; yes she has rights, too. But she can't stop treating me decently just because she's hurting, too. She needs to hear me call her on painful words, and she needs to stop being all whiny and bitchy about it.

I hate them! Fuck. I don't. I feel shitty, that's all, and this is bothering me more than I've let myself acknowledge. Also, everything's worse when you feel like your undergoing stomach surgery without anesthetic. Everything, including parental units.

I want another chance, ok? Another chance at family. I want to pack a bag and move into an apartment with someone I love. I want to show up at Red's door, or Sara's, Jenna's...I want to suddenly appear and have them say, "Of course. Just stay."

I fucking want to go *home.* I've had enough of this bullshit.

!*#&%*$&@(%&($
chord, the stereotypically profane

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!