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11:15 p.m. - 01/24/03
fits and pieces.
it's one of those nights where I'm so incredibly exhausted that I wasn't even going to write, but now I am. that's what I do. I write anyway. however, it may be one of those nights when you read and think, why is she even writing this? so I'm pleading exhaustion right here, right now. and I'm going to be quick and list-like and do the actual elaborating later.

one. I finally bought a Juliana Hatfield CD today, years after she was recommended to me- because I've been receiving allowance for the first time in my life, and I've begun using it to acquire those things that will help me be happy in my future life and keep me sane now. (mostly cds from the kickass used CD store about 20 minutes from here.) and what I've heard is very cool. pretty Tracy-Bonham-ish. I like.

two. The pro-life bullshit is making me crazy. I'm doing my best "not to let those Christians get [me] down" but all the same...I want to rant slogans and arguments and things at them. so much for not being offended by church marquees. hopefully in a few days when it's February things will be better. how badly can they insult me when they're supposedly honoring black people and women? (note to the universe: please don't answer that.)

three. I hate school. it's so mundane, so non-creative, so completely unstimulating, and not challenging, and not among my priorities right now. for these reasons, today's snow day (or actually "cold day" was very much appreciated.) even though I woke up shivering, thinking D!@#$%^ had been moved to the polar ice caps without someone informing me. It was 20 below last night without the windchill. that's ungodly cold. amusingness: my mom (of all people) said, "so I guess- from your perspective- this would qualify as a cold day in hell?" and I assured her that indeed, hell had frozen over this morning.

four. I talked with Sarah-delancey many days ago about how I was going to e-mail Winter Machine and didn't, and I was completely set on doing it tonight, but got home late and am exhausted. so that officially will happen over the weekend. it will.

five. that CD is just amazing. I want to share it with Dr. R because I know he'd love it (how could you not?) but I also know that he took over a month to return Tori, so we might have to come up with some guidelines before handing over one of the ways I sustain life in this barren wasteland they call home.

six. I officially have one month left as as minor. which is cool and weird and not all that life-changing. though I did feel today like it wouldn't be such a horrible thing if I didn't set myself on the traditional path right away (i.e. college in the fall) because what I'm doing is so important and so much of what people end up doing in college. figuring out relationships, getting rid of insanity, finding out who I am, et cetera. and not that those things aren't lifelong evolutions, but I guess I just see the validity more today. that's easy when you haven't been in school in a week. what I wouldn't give to be finished...(ok, there are many things I wouldn't give.)

seven. I left out the summers on my relational biography because I was thinking by grades. and so I didn't talk about Caroline or Kay or (yet another) Lindsey or Shaun or Patrick or Karen or Rachel. and that sucks. I must ammend that.

eight. I have lots of issues around the possible outcomes of this discussion. part of that is my issue with making decisions (thinking I can't go back on them, and weighing pros and cons instead of just investigating myself)...and part of it is that I don't want to talk about it openly. I have a tendency to figure things out and then share them. it's really difficult for me to share as I discern. I'm scared what about me will be exposed, I guess. at the same time, I'm excited. holy shit, maybe I'll be healthy enough to love well someday. and wouldn't that be great?

nine. I had the best dream last night that I think I've had since the nights I spent at Hogwarts with Ron, Hermione, Harry, Dumbledore. Tyne Daly was there and she went through a sword fight to protect me which was really fabulous and then Dr. R came in to check on me, and this bad cut on my hand, and when he left he hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. not in a weird way, just as a quick goodbye- like would be normal in many situations, though psychiatrist-patient isn't probably one of them. anyway, it was totally platonic and totally wonderful. I was like, damn this night is so great. I stood up to this evil woman who thought I was trying to mislead her kid, was protected by Tyne Daly (and a sword fight! damn)...and received actual affection. in real life, the good doc touched my back real lightly as I left this week. twice. and that was very nice, too.

ten. I received the first-ever reply to a scathing letter this week. and I didn't change any perspectives. and I must rant about their counter-argument and the lack of compassion for my side at some point. because commercial-idiot people (and don't make the mistake of thinking television news is outside that category) are just capitalist freaks like the rest of the corporate world. damn them.

eleven. nell carter died. and I'm weirdly upset by it. I knew very little of her, but she had such amazing energy, and I'm weirded out by it. more so because she was so young and because of the parts of her I'm only learning now.

twelve. regarding popular music: that counting crows cover of big yellow taxi is the oddest thing I've ever heard. I never thought I'd hear them do Joni Mitchell. though I guess it's not *as* weird as Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in the same movie (that the cover is written for...which is only really weird because Sandra Bullock rocks my socks and Hugh Grant stirs me the wrong way inside.) mostly the weird thing is that I love Joni Mitchell and totally dig the Counting Crows, and I hate that cover. it's just bad. as opposed to that "All The Things She Said" song by "TATU" which is absolutely bouncy. And why do all good pop songs come from badly-named bands? TATU? Spelled T-A-T-U? Oh, I do hope there's a good story behind it.

anyway, this is far longer than I intended a quick "list" to be, and I surely forgot elements just the same. but anyway, not entirely pointless. life remains bearable and largely underrated.

I do hope the good doctor went somewhere *warm.*

till next I melt-
chord

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