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9:31 p.m. - 04/05/03 Emotionally, I'm still pretty run-down. Less struggle with the shame today- only a couple short bursts of it, which is definitely better than the Tuesday-afternoon-through-Thursday-morning phase. The doctor did call, and we chatted for about fifteen minutes about how I'm doing, and he told me to know that this pain has nothing to do with my gift, only with how it's been tended to (or not tended to) up until now. The gift itself is not inherently painful, he says. And generally, I like things better the way he sees them, whether I'm ready to believe him yet or not. I'm still pretty wrecked, though. Tired, sad, stressed, and thinking way too much about people from past lives. (i.e. N*land.) But then, I have Ben Harper singing "Beloved One" to me right now, and that's got to count for something. Significantly. Just like the fact that I think myself significant after being so hugely shamed for 48 hours has to count for something. Let's call it an indicator that I'm going to live. I'm going to live, and I'm going to win, and that's that. I'll go into it more fully as I get more safe. Right now, this is best, methinks. love � � |