7:45 p.m. - 01/30/02
where the biscuits - are soft and sweet.
Evil.
My parents are in the next room discussing the wedding gift they need to buy the cousin who molested me. If there is ever a fucking conversation, I should have earplugs for, I believe this is it. The best part is they expect me to attend the reception with them, "It shouldn't be long; we'll probably only stay an hour" - and they made sure to call my aunt and tell her that we're already scheduled at the time of the wedding just so "our not being there wouldn't be misinterpreted." God forbid our sixteen-year-old daughter is a little upset with your bastard son.
I tried to be rational and explain to them that if they wanted to go, I wouldn't object, but (since we're coming from an appt I know I have to attend) I'll wait in the car. "You can't wait in the car for an hour!" (Why not exactly? Surely I wait a total of 3x that much in parking lots, waiting rooms, etc? It's not as if I can't occupy myself, for Christ's sake. I'm rarely amid actual *people.*)
"Listen, I don't have a problem waiting in the car, but I'm not going to that."
Explain to me why this is bizarre. Because I was so little, I don't even remember it, and he was *just a kid?* Wasn't it my same mother who was on the phone with my cousin Anna last week, explaining to her that feeling angry toward this same cousin, and doing what she needed to (writing a *letter* to his fiance telling her what Stewert had done in the past) was completely justified. Why is it that she can't see what I'm doing as taking care of myself, taking my stand? I'm not interested in shaking this kid's hand at the moment, and wishing him many happy returns of the day. "Hey, Stu, heard you want to have kids soon - sounds great, hope it's a girl!" Christ...
It other news, I feel disgusting. Kind little "ugly" has escalated into "gross" has escalated into "disgusting" and at the moment I can *feel* my finger on my throat (though inspection affirms it is *still* on the keys) and over and over again I hear the voices, "You don't deserve to eat. You're just feeding your own horribleness."
I guess I should be grateful I'm well enough not to act on the thoughts (for this moment anyway.) I just wish they'd leave me alone...
I miss red unbelievably. I feel like the ocean without saltwater...
Which is what?
chord<-
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