12:00 p.m. - 02/07/02
surveying hell.
the Internet is my enabler. it should be prosecuted for allowing me to procrastinate to such a sickening degree.
these two are compliments of bookgrrrly.
I hurt: like hell, quietly
I love: being swept up by how wonderful someone is to the degree I want to kiss them
I hate: feeling powerless
I cry: too often, until I can't breathe
I fear: being left to myself
I hope: that I will never be too busy "doing good" to listen to the people I'm doing it for, that Tracy is ok, and that I'm not inherently evil
I feel alone: when I think about being at red
I kill: my own optimism
I talk: too much and too softly
I listen: well
I break: plates on our kitchen floor (but that's not saying much because human *flesh* could shatter on that tile)
I see: a yellow highlighter, a green colored pencil, a pink regular pencil, and a red pen (ooh, utensil rainbow!)
I smell: soap (yeay, she's clean again)
I taste: sprite
I work: rarely
I remember: what it was like to be hopeful, the look on their faces when I cried
I hold: them in my heart
I hide: from my fear
I pray: that life will not stay this way
I drive: myself crazy ;-)
I read: anything that isn't irritating (unless it's *really* irritating, and then I might read it just to work on being open with my anger, hee hee)
I burn: [fuck you!] nothing except pancakes.
I breathe: erratically
I play: in the woods.
I miss: rrrrrrrrrreeeeeed. among other things.
I learn: best when left to my own questions.
I feel: sad and more than a bit powerless.
I know: that as long as I'm breathing, something is right.
I sing: to feel free.
I dream: that time in the woods and time with people to hold me are not mutually exclusive.
I have on: a bluish izod sweatshirt (with a little navy crocodile who has red teeth because he's been eating spaghetti) and low-cut earthy colored slacks that are frayed to about my knees. :-)
I want: to be free from society but not the people who create it.
I wait: for the discipline to make my dreams my reality.
I need: a home.
I live: in wait.
I die: a little whenever someone's hurting.
I am fortunate: because I have never been without support.
I think: too much.
I am: a girl, attempting.
I am still: rarely. I am rarely still.
*
(the following is the survey from hell, lots of which I won't answer)
1. What's the third letter in your name? r
2. What's the worst band you ever saw live? prolly the fourth grade band at our school concert every year - but they're always so cute ... and let's face it "Skip To My Lou" is *difficult*...
3. What's the name of a good chinese place in your area? chinese food scares me.
4. What's on your feet right now? you caught me! dammit! so I'm wearing halloween socks (with little pumpkins and scarecrows and trick-or-treating ghosts on them)...what's it to you?
Which?
1. Brady Bunch or Partridge Family? I've only seen Brady Bunch...so...Brady Bunch. change scares me.
2. Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious? I don't feel like educating myself enough to answer this question. I'd actually rather be vicious than rotten, in general, oddly.
3. Batman or Superman? Batman, but Alfred is cooler
4. Elvis or James Brown? I guess James Brown
5. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Beatles
How?
1. How tall are you? 5'2"
2. How many times did you sneeze today? none...
3. How do you do? very well thank you (I always lie when people first talk to me; it's sad)
4. How does the last book you read end? Amy goes back to California, Gavin goes into very sub-par eating disorder treatment, and Gina just gets screwed and left hanging
Will?
1. Will you have kids? not biologically, I pray
2. Will this be your last journal entry for some odd weeks? are you implying that it should be?
3. Will you enjoy the company of someone much older than you? hmm...I don't really see people *much* older than me.
What
What was your screen name in... a. fifth grade: no internet
sixth grade: still no internet
eighth grade: usually just Mary or something with gitch (nickname)
2. What is your favorite journal to read? yours
3. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you say, "_______!" I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me.
4. Describe how the music of your favorite band makes you feel. in general, good music makes me feel like I'm breathing (deeply) for the first time in years.
5. Surveys are the best tool for procrastination! next to involved conversations with people who aren't even in the room
6. What do you do while on the toilet? erm...
PART TWO: Entertainment and fashion
9. I saw a commercial about "guilty pleasure TV". What is the shitty show that you watch alone in your room, secretely pleasured, but if you're at a friends house you just suffer in silence as they channel surf right by it? Boston Public or Ally McBeal --> they're so soapy but...is there anything wrong with that? I hate real soap operas, yet I like these...*sigh*
10. Name an item of clothing/accessory that you really regret wearing. Tell us a little anecdote. you remember how people used to tie their t-shirts in knots to one side? and then they came out with those little clippy things so you could pull it through one hole, over the bar, and through the other hole, and it would be tied without a knot? yeah, those were really dumb and I had a hot pink one. slap bracelets on the other hand were the epitome of fashion.
11. If you were a cartoon character, what would be your never-changing outfit? I'd want a thin blue bodice that was tough and shiny and had a cool embroidered border around the top and down the seams, a silver skirt that was heavy but looked light, blue-purple-black combat boots made out of that gelly material, with dark blue kneesocks below them, and hair that was brown and black and a perfectly matching blue. :-)
12. Whose clothing/style do you admire most? just people who dress like themselve, not just to be normal or just to be different
PART THREE: Sex <--ahhhh! :-(
6. What is the subject line of the best porn e-mail you've ever recieved? that is a very inappropriate question, mr. survey.
7. Describe your fantasy sex partner. I think you should rephrase.
8. Leave your computer to go masturbate. Tell us what went through your mind. are you a boy?
9. Name a non-sexual activity that turns you on. you're a boy, aren't you?
10. Best CD to make sweet love to: stupid boy.
11. Tell us about your love life. it's very simple: I love life.
PART FOUR: Your nonexistent social life
14. Hypothetically, you are at a party. Drunken uglies heft you up onto a table and start chanting "TURN A TRICK! TURN A TRICK!" *gag*
15. A girl comes up to you. She has huge eyes and a very small nose and is wearing a dress that poofs out at the bottom, like the little girls in Disney movies. Her eyes are very shiny. She's fifteen. Are you attracted to her? how the hell should I know - when I've never been attracted to anyone? it wouldn't be pedophiliac for me to like a fifteen year old - I'm not even 17...so it wouldn't be *bad* - but what if she's spoiled and bratty? but they did say she had shiny eyes...*sigh*
16. A boy with a face so that you can see the details of his skull through his skin is standing on the street. He is wearing tight 60sish jeans and has short hair that he cut himself. He is smoking a cigarette and has very green eyes. Are you attracted to him? no - I have seen people that thin...I have seen the individual components of a person's mandible clearly through their skin- and it makes me want to cry, remembering.
17. You are sitting in class one day when your teacher announces that there is a new student. Your perfect fantasy person walks in and is assigned to the seat right next to you. What's going on in your head? oh, I hope they don't hate me. *hides behind book*
18. You are at a place full of people and you don't know anyone. What do you do to keep from being bored/awkward? have a panic attack
19. Preferred method of suicide? FUCK YOU
PART FIVE: The past
20. The best part of fifth grade was: my teacher (-s actually...my homeroom and gifted teachers were both *really* cool.)
21. The worst part of seventh grade was: crawling down into that old deep ravine
22. The best part of sixth grade was: (I wonder who else is bothered by those being out of order)...hmm...probably in hindsight, that I did't hate school yet.
23. The worst part of eighth grade was: that I was too sick to thoroughly enjoy how beautiful the people surrounding me were.
PART SIX: Murder <--this is scary
24. Name a person that annoys you. Stewert
25. Describe their brutal murder. no
26. Name a person you like. no
Think about THEIR brutal murder. Picture it vividly in your head. Then write a few words about it. do you want me to cry?
28. Favorite serial killer? the ones who are in jail and were actually guilty
happy ending question...damnit...always read a survey all the way through before beginning. I bet somebody added those last two sections. and I bet everyone is tired of me whining...
shitty entry. it's over.
chord
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