8:20 p.m. - 02/22/02
i am poison. i am.
owwwwwwww. i feel like a semi truck is speeding over my brain, and the tread marks are aching like hell. can things really change around so fast; am I really so easily offset? what is happening to me?
teacher is nice. working with her reminded me of the late nights mandy spent tutoring me when i was too screwy to pay attention in class. unfortunately it also reminded me that i'm stupid and must work hard, and so i spent hours after she left doing algebra obsessively, not even realizing i wasn't eating. and i still haven't fulfilled the terms tammy and i discussed, and i think about it now and i'm like, 'why am i doing this? i mean, i'm putting the snacks back in so surely i don't need all these extra exchanges.' i can't eat what she asked me to, what i agreed to, i can't. it's too hard when school's in the mix.
i hate my fucking mom. that is the easiest way to put it. she's being all sweet and concerned-like, not wanting me to work too hard too fast, and i'm like, 'you know what? if you cared about me at all, you would have listened when i told you this school thing was too much. if you cared about me at all you wouldn't be such a fucking bitch all the time, and i hate you and i want you to feel what i have had to feel. just once i want you to try and disarm the pain you've put me in. try.'
i hate hate hate hate hate.
see me fill up my clothes. this is about so much more than fat- this is worthlessness, grossness, inadequacy, inferiority, and poison. this is hellspawn.
yeah, that's right, you fucking taught me that word.
i want to curl up in a ball and forget i tried to do this the right way.
chord
�
�
