4:00 p.m. - 11/28/01
hi, i'm special. talk to me in happy tones.
I start to get cranky when I eat all my exchanges and still feel cold, exhausted, and sleepy. I think this is just because it's all of 2 degrees outside and I haven't been sleeping so well, but it still bothers me. The sensible thing would be to take a nap and be revived, but I just don't feel like I have time to "waste" sleeping. Of course at the moment I'm too *tired* to do anything productive, so I'd actually get more done if I slept. I have this fear though that I'll sleep until tomorrow when my plane takes off and not get anything done. And also, the stress of all the things I need to be doing will probably keep me from sleeping. After all, there's a reason I'm tired in the first place.
The day-treatment was pretty good today. Sean's not doing well at all, and that's always so hard to see. I'm worried and as always, I wish there was something I could do. I wish there was something I could do for the other woman, Stephanie, as well - because I don't feel quite right about her being advised to leave. Maybe there are "levels" of recovery, though. Maybe after 14 years you learn to settle for a different standard of life. That makes me sad, though. I want her to get through to a *real* life, not just a maintenance point.
There was this woman there today (staff) who was probably the closest thing to red that I've met since getting out. She's 27, and she doesn't talk *so much* like a therapist. Some people sound analytical when discussing Harry Potter, and some people can be talking to you about suicide and you still forget they have a degree. She's one of the latter group, which I prefer, someone who's so obviously competant, that you forget they're doing their job. Someone who can be supportive *like* a friend to a degree that a friend couldn't take.
I appreciate that.
Still really stressed about my mom and her issues, the fact that my room is a mess, not knowing what to do about school, not knowing what to do about the fact that I live here, being unsure what NYC has in store for me, not having any therapy-people to talk to for 2 weeks (when I haven't gone more than three days for over three months), not having written back to the red people who wrote me, not having turned in all my stuff for the conference, not having packed, and food in general. Still really stressed in general, and I don't know what to do about it. It's scary to go back to a place where I was so sick. I mean, the last time I was in NY I actually wrote how it would be nicer if everyone weren't so thin.
I like Brea's plan, though: to just pretend that I'm healthy and see how it goes. In a way, I think it'll be really good to be away from the treatment world for a bit. I'm not sure I want to be plunged this *far* away from it for this long, but...with all my resentment toward the family therapy, and all my sadness over it being almost a year since I was diagnosed, and almost four years since I developed this disorder, it'll be nice to have a break. I think my lack of excitement in that perspective comes from the fact that I have almost as much disdain for being labeled a writer as I do for being labeled a bulimarexic. I just get tired.
I am however looking forward to some positivity. I don't expect it to be 2 straight weeks of compliments but to be in a stimulated, excited environment will be cool. I keep telling myself that *the piece* won, meaning that the piece, as it was, without any alterations, was good enough for them. Therefore, it was not about me being good enough for them, and I have nothing I have to prove. That's kind of a better perspective to me. It's like "the piece" has the ticket, and I'm just her chosen guest. Her chaperone.
After all, blue practically wrote herself.
hee hee - my piece is blue, my love is red, i have a rainbow in my head.
The new therap made a good suggestion yesterday. She said someone should call the conference, *tell* them I'm just out of a pretty intense treatment situation (imagine, being direct), and ask some specific questions, such as, "Will meals be on a schedule? What types of food will be available? Will there be time for rest?" etc. I realized how much better I felt if I didn't leave all those up to what-ifs, and so I really must ask mom to make that phone call. This is too cool a prize to be ruined by an ill-placed pizza party.
Aye.
Another reason I'm feeling tired (and sad and slightly destructive) is because yesterday at the nt's was so great, and one of the things that I realized while I was there is that the message she somehow managed to get across to me, the vibe of "you are a decent human being; I like talking to you" is not one I've gotten since I left red. This isn't *as* detrimental as it used to be because I now know in my own head that I am a deserving human being and other messages I get (from my head, mom, or anywhere else) are your above-average bullshit, but it's still unnerving how constantly I am surrounded by guilt and shame in this household. I find myself unable to speak in therapy sometimes now (a problem I've not had in a long time) because I feel guilty for everything I think, especially about my mom. I know that I must be wrong, and that she's really perfect. So I gag a little, and then I say it anyway.
Being brainwashed bites.
I need a bedtime story.
sleepychord
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