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10:30 p.m. - 07/11/02
why do today what you can put off until tomorrow -
I finally wrote that letter to Stacy that I've been talking about for a week. It's amazing how much happier I am (even temporarily) when I give up trying to control everything. It's important to me, to keep in touch with her, not simply to coerce her into reciprocating come November, but also because I just want to contact her. It's better to write a letter and be neutral toward a response. I don't want to be a person who asks "How are you?" just to have someone ask the same of me.

I know I need to call them, but I'm scared to do so. I always encourage everyone else to call, but I can't seem to do it with myself. I just can't think of a "safe" call: a person I feel comfortable talking with that I know I can catch. I wish I could talk with (yet another one) Sara, or Jen, or someone. I'm too obsessed with Brea to dare calling her in such a needy state. I'll get to it eventually, and I'll probably drop her a postcard from NYC but I just do't feel good about talking with her. I get scary-obsessive when I'm needy and neglected this wa, when I am vulnerable. But then - it WOULD be really nice to have a pre-NY talk with her again.

I wonder - if I pull these Friendships off - how they will be.

Sara didn't call. I went out with my parents, so I was kind of relieved I hadn't msised her. I hope she didn't just give up in the face of the eternal busy singal. I'm seriously relieved she didn't call because as weird as this sounds, I think not talking to me was probably taking care of herself. Since I'd already "approved" the call because as weird as this sounds, I think not talking to me was probably taking care of herself. Since I'd already "approveD" the call I doubt shame talked her out of it; I'd guess she just realized (as did I) that she needs more than the right now, and - her energy so exhausted from the struggle - postponed our little chat. I know it was good for me. I felt builty as hell not calling her, but a girl's got to follow her needs.

Which leads me to the list of things I'm deciding to discuss (at the moment):

-junior high television
-impulse buying, compulsive shopping, and kleptomania
-my brother the rock star meets Superdoc

Hmm- thought there were more but with an entry or two a day, I shouldn't be surprised. Oh, dreams! I was going to (not) talk about dreams.

Until I procrastinate another day-
chord

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