5:10 p.m. - 08/25/02
maybe I can forget that there's anything wrong // maybe I can go on living my life
#1
"i know you're not trying/ you're just watching me try/ and i know it's not coz you're weak/ i know you're not choosing/ you don't know which way to go/ and i won't tell you who to be..." This is officially my theme song to not interfering with other people's lives, no matter how much they're going through. (not that the song, which is by the Sissies, has anything to do with this really, but that's what I need it for at the moment.) this doesn't mean not being there for anyone, just not being there in a horrible, codependent fashion. unfortunately beyond codependency does nothing for me now. I can't even read a chapter when I pick it up. codependency flew to a back burner so far from the foreground it's invisible. all I have is grief. and maybe anger. or are they both the same?
#2
my mom is on a cooking/ cleaning binge. I coined the term this morning (though actually, I think I've said it before...?) because I swear if she had eaten as much food as she made she would officially have an eating disorder. I flipped out a little when I saw her start to make her (very yummy) chocolate chip cookies. I just couldn't deal. Even though I haven't binged in a really long time, I've felt like my eating was binging much more recently, and with everything being so hard right now, I just don't need the added stress of, "oh, fuck, I just ate two cookies; I must be a freak." So I asked her not to make them, she didn't, all is well. Except that every other second it's, "Do you still want this? Can I throw this away? I feel like you're living *everywhere* Mary." Oh, excuse me. How about I lock myself in the closet and keep my breathing to a minimum? Oh, and by the way that wasp nest in my window that you refused to deal with weeks ago- there aren't any wasps in it. I know this because the entire wasp community is now in my room.
To her credit, she took her cleaning supplies upstairs and dealt with all of them for me. The little beasts. I don't know when exactly I decided that the only creatures not allowed to prosper are the wingerstingers, but I'd be a lot calmer if I never saw a bug again. In fact, I'd be relatively calm if I could open the blinds of my window and not seen ten wasps. Just that would be enough to calm me down a bit.
#3
Things suck. Like really suck. I'm not ok at all. Ever since Wednesday, each day is at least a week long, and I don't know how I'm hanging in there. I don't know how I'm going to survive getting schoolwork tomorrow, or just existing Tuesday. I don't know how I'm going to make it to Wednesday, and I really want to say to him, "I need more of you" but I know that I won't. And if I do, he'll tell me to call, and I haven't called because I don't have anything to say. Because I'm angry and I feel crazy when I'm angry, and every five minutes I start crying. Crying. It might as well be December again, and I don't know what to do about it. How is it August if I feel like it's December? Didn't I progress *at all* these past few months?
To my credit, I regained control of my eating (though not my thoughts about it, as evidenced in the cookie-episode) within two days. And I looked over the journal entries from January and realized that I'm very much not where I was then. I'm not feeling the shame I felt then. Even though things would make a lot more sense if I did. It's a lot easier to understand why the whole fucking world pushes you away (got to love hyperbole) when you think you're evil poisoned hellspawn.
But then, maybe I'd rather like myself than have the world make sense.
#4
Crying. Dreaming she's alive. Dreaming I'm there. Dreaming she's alive and I'm there, but I don't know it and I see our room. Waking up. A year ago today... Thinking. Distracting myself. Not. Thinking more than I should, maybe, or less than I need to. I want to ask them why the fuck they made me leave. I want to ask why they pushed me away when I TOLD THEM I WASN'T READY. But I can't deal with the answer that is anything other than, "We were wrong, we're sorry, we love you, and we'll do anything to help." I can't deal with defensiveness, condescension, maybe even reality. It's too much.
And it isn't just Rogers. The week after I told Judie that my main fear is that everyone will leave me she refused to see me ever again. In January, when I was flipping out (justifiably) over what happened and the grief and the anxiety and the general craziness that was my life at that point, I was kicked out of the IOP. And they can say, "You knew the rules, you knew what you had to eat, you didn't do it" all they want, but the truth is I needed someone then. And if I could feel as horribly desperate as I did at that point and still eat normally, I wouldn't have been there to begin with. People are shit sometimes; they don't understand. Rules and theories in textbooks are fine. But I was a person, and Bronwen was, too- a fabulous person- and she kicked me to the curb at what was, once again, the absolute worst time.
I sent them a letter - Bronwen, Shannon, and Randy. I said I'm doing well and thank you for helping me through the pain back then. I wrote it Tuesday, before the world caved in. Now I'm angry as hell at them. I know why I felt so crazy Wednesday and Thursday. I can't deal with being angry at people who have cared for me and/ or people I love. I can't deal. And on top of the absolute sadness I am feeling now, I am feeling anger. I am so pissed at them. Because it isn't just grief, it's abandonment. Again. There's grief for losing someone and there's grief for being made to leave them. There's someone moving out of reach and there's someone pushing you away. Separetely, they're hell- together? I don't know how I survive.
I keep thinking, "I just need to call RED and talk to them about it. I just need someone who will understand." And then I remember they're one of the pains I can't understand, can't deal with, can't confront. Which leaves me back to Lisa Loeb- waiting for wednesday...
#5
Oh and. I'm in a crisis of faith that's been going on far. too. long...
chord
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