7:05 p.m. - 12/19/01
that's the <>sound<> of my brain! cracking...>?
I'm going to write letters to Brea and Stacy. I don't know why I've decided this, except that I realized today there the two people who feel relevant to what I'm feeling right now - Brea's the one who always seemed to know how to deal with my grief-response to wanting a mother and Stacy knows all about the "flat world" and the shame I feel. It's somewhat disturbing how quickly I go back to hating myself. I finally realized today that my recent, unshaking belief that I'm awful is my way of explaining how horrible the current situation is. Shame always surfaces when logic fails me. It's so much easier to say to myself, "ah, yes, I'm in this mess because I'm horrible and deserve to be." It's easier to understand that way.
So of course, I have to begin fighting the shame beliefs again. I have to get out of what I've been thinking about myself, find a new way of understanding things, or perhaps give in to the ?reality? that there is no explanation. This *doesn't* make sense, I *don't* deserve it, and I don't know why it's happening.
I'm not doing so well with that. I almost didn't eat lunch today at the IOP. It didn't help that we went *out* - but I did get through what I think is a valid amount of exchanges, hard to know with my perception as distorted as it is and no nutrition facts to read. I also thought about restricting at dinner (it doesn't occur to me that it's *restricting* when I think about it, though - it's just that I feel sick all the time, like I did initially...it doesn't make sense to keep eating.) And my body image is a small reflection of how awful my self image is right now. So on top of wanting to restrict, I've started exercising. It's not *bad* - meaning, it's not "excessive" - but the motivation is sick, and I know that, so I have to find a way to communicate what I'm doing and come up with a new solution.
I just don't know what to do. I wish someone could give me a straight answer. Am I supposed to leave? Am I supposed to stay? How do I not end up alone? How do I convince someone to love me?
How do I look brave enough to be beautiful?
chord,
of the gross shell
p.s. Last night I dreamt that a man who looked like a current (healthy) Muhhammad Ali helped my family and me experience a miracle. It ended up being my job to see the miracle and tell everyone else what exactly it looked like...
I should stay asleep.
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