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10:30 p.m. - 09/30/02
'''quiet here except for this song'*'
This is the week to do absolutely nothing and not feel guilty about it. So far, I'm doing fair with both parts. My day has been extremely painful, off and on, once again: strong urges to temporarily relieve the pain, and- in the long term- push myself further away from progress. I have made one little triumph; I've regained my honesty, for the moment, and girl, does it feel good. I didn't tell a single person that I'm fine (other than parents, and when *don't* I tell my parents this), whether on the phone, with my teacher, in an e-mail. And even with my parents, I accepted some holding/hugging from my mom, and that was really good for me. I've been so terrified, and I was honest about some of that with her, too. Even when it was hard.

I asked her not to finalize the trip to Massachsetts to see my please-god college. I've just been so terrified about the prospect, and I was standing in the airport last night waiting for John, thinking, hey. Maybe I don't have to go. Maybe this *isn't* something absolutely necessary. I feel weird because of course I *always* freak out in such circumstances, but it's usually a night or so before, not a month (or, for college in general,) a year. I guess I'm really scared, and I don't completely know what to do, so I asked mom to hold off the trip, and even though she didn't say anything exactly helpful in the moment, she did find me upstairs later to tell me that nothing is going to happen in the next year in which I don't have a choice. I'm really so grateful for how aware people are of my powerlessness fear. I asked her some of the "but what about" questions that have been tearing at my brain- but what about the application; if I apply early decision and am accepted, it's *binding.* What if I can't go to college at all next year? And she said all the right things. But really, it was just so good to hear from someone that I'll still be safe. I'm really, really scared I won't be safe approaching this college thing. I'm seven years old and seventeen. I'm really very new at feeling, and I'm not completely sure I want to take care of myself, let alone the fear I'll fall on my face if I try.

Bless her. Tonight.

Then later, she was on the computer, and I was playing with her hair (bored, while waiting to come journal) and I fell into my conditioned youngest-child snoopiness and read the first few lines of the e-mail she was typing which were: 1) information about Mary and 2) don't tell Mary this. I felt really horrible because not only was it something I wasn't supposed to know; it was something I would have felt better not knowing. I was really crushed. I told her what I'd done, but she didn't hear me. A couple minutes later when it was still bothering me, I held out my wrist and told her to slap it. "Why?" Because I read your e-mail and I wasn't supposed to know. She said that did make her want to slap my wrist, but instead she pulled me into a hug and we talked about it.

Dr. R told her that I was making "rapid progress" and she was telling my aunt and uncle the same. I'm not supposed to know because it might trigger relapse. And I can completely see that. It's not that I'm not really happy that he thinks I'm doing well even when I feel crazier than ever, but it's really scary for me to hear that any change is happening "rapidly." (Remember how scared I've been? Remember that control I talked about needing so much?) On top of which, I'm just really freaked that everyone will think I'm progressing when I'm not. I need to know that if I'm not ok, he won't say I am. I need to know that if next fall, I want to crawl into a hole and die, he'll grab a rope and repel down to meet with me. I can't be sent away just because I'm making progress. I'm still just so scared to relive RED.

It's not that he's home or family or anything but he *is* the greatest therapist I can imagine having right now, and my only outlet in my crazy version of the world. I need him. And I need him in my imaginings of the future as much as I need him here, which is really difficult with college so close, not to mention it being difficult post-red. I spent my three months there saying I was never leaving; otherwise I would have started grieving much sooner than the day I found out about discharge. I wouldn't have been able to do any work, and I knew that, so I played with the illusion. This time...it's not that I wouldn't accept it- illusion *or* truth- again; it's that I'm not sure I can trust it fully. I've seen the good go away. Myself is just as much a stickler for honesty as I am; if I lie to her much she quits lisening.

At least I know it's about what happened at RED, and not about him not being trustworthy. I asked my mom why he keeps talking about me to her, why he had said this to her. She said he had to give her a general update; she pays the bills, and anyone I saw would have to tell her that. (Which is true; all my therapists have conceded to her "let me know how Mary is" push at one point or another.) I asked about when he told her the survey said my parents were there, and she said that was really about her. I know that. I know he was comforting her with her only comfort- solid, written proof- but it still hurt me. It's such a bizarre situation because I trust him completely when I'm there, and then I come home and I find out these little things that wouldn't matter, except in the context of my past. If I weren't so scared, these would not be large transgressions. Maybe they wouldn't be transgressions at all.

I say this because I know he keeps what I tell him (not what a survey tells him, not a general theory of how I'm doing) between him and my file. I know that the day I told him about Chelsie, and about how my parents couldn't/didn't know, he said that he didn't understand how it would help me for them to know, and he certainly wasn't going to do anything about it. I know that when I said, "I'm also really scared about the whole you-see-my-parents thing" last Wednesday, he talked about how that *does* make this more difficult, and I'm just in that spot today where instead of thinking I must terminate the challenges, I trust that this is how I can best work through the pain. If he weren't seeing my mom, this wouldn't be coming up, and then how would we know to work on it?

I guess we'll just keep laying groundwork, and I'll try to emphasize the fact that "I'm progressing" in his eyes, and play down the "oh my god he thinks I'm well; he's going to leave me, and I'll be all alone" fears. Really, what I need to talk to him about is this whole college thing. I.E.- how does one day at a time fit into "decide right now where you'll be a year from now, and go fit into that world for a weekend even though you're already on the edge." And tell me again that early decision's "binding" clause will not apply to a girl who is medically unstable. And help me know that I am always, always safe. Help me know that I am never powerless in my own life, that I will never be so far away I can't run home to *someone* and grab on again.

Adulthood is not complete responsibility, adulthood is not complete responsibility, adulthood is not abandonment and floating alone in an ocean of fear and challenges where no one will ever take care of you. Adulthood is not junior high rerunning until death. Say that again.

Adulthood is not junior high.

I don't know that I have much else to say. School went well today; she acted like I was nuts (in a good way) when I said something about how little work I had for her. I'm struggling so so much, but I'm being honest and people are rallying around. Thank God. It's the most marvelous thing, but, even though life doesn't get any easier as I go through recovery, I have so many more shields, allies, defenses, weapons, and magic I can wield. Even though the pain is still so intense, I can deal so much better. I'm grateful for that. I forget, on the cusp of it, that the pain will not take as long to get through if I jump in again. That I know more than I did when I began.

I cycle back and back and back, but each time it's a little easier to push myself on course. I bet next time I start to caretake, it won't take me two weeks and a poorly-thought e-mail to catch on.

to white magic & animal crackers-
chord

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