3:45 p.m. - 12/01/02
upsetted.
I want a codependency detector. One that starts screaming like a siren at the slightest breach. Warning, warning. Error #4012: Compromising of self to serve others' needs. Warning. Error #4562: Attempting to control another person's feelings, behaviors, or attitude. Warning, warning. Error #1413: Boundary number sixteen.two.three breached at 2:55 p.m. I'm so tired of finding myself so far into the caretaking mess that I don't know how to get out without severing ties. And I've been doing so well in most relationships; this sucks so majorally.
My head has caved in again. Oh, yes. In terms of my new life, my post-admission-to-RED life, I am very much depressed right now. I am not "very depressed" the way I would be very depressed a few years ago, when depression of this level was largely everyday. But I can't see through the fog, and I don't want to speak, and every contact feels a violation. I feel alone, and I resent that, at the same time I refuse to reach out because I know that in this state doing so will not make me happy. And I can't bear to disprove the "all I need's relation" theory that I base my life upon.
Is it really so untrue? I can't understand how it's untrue, as all I needed to turn my life around before was time at Rogers. All I needed was home and safety and an environment supportive of myself. So how can that not be the missing factor? I know I'm supposed to think I am the one who changed my life, but I really do credit them. I really don't understand how they aren't the sole reason for the change in my life. So how the fuck do I learn to believe that I don't need other people to fill a void in my life? And how do I not equate believing that with deprivation and having no one in my life?
I'm so frustrated right now; the anger wells up over the hurt. I'm angry at all the people in my life who aren't ok- for "forcing" me to take care of them. I'm angry that they can't take care of me because they're so busy in their pain. I'm upset that no one is here, right here damnit, to love me, and that I'm not even supposed to want them because I'm supposed to be enough just as myself. I'm angry that what feels like all I need is something I can't have, and I don't want to give up believing that is what I need. I don't want to take away the power I have put in Rogers. I don't want to minimize what was honestly the best experience of my life.
I just want my family to live so I can eat a little dinner, listen to some music, cry, crochet, and fall asleep for the first time in days.
chord
p.s. I just got an e-mail to bandage all the wounds. thank you, and I'm sorry I cycle so quickly; I really am.
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