eight something - 12/15/02
eleos dojo.
Dear Mary,
We know about the pain you're feeling. We know how hard this past year has been for you, and that how hard you're fighting has to do with how strong you are, not how good your life is. We remember how difficult your parents could be, how they could hurt you even when they didn't mean to, how desperately you wanted to not grow up the way they did. We know how hard you took losing Tracy, and how you've had as hard a time losing everyone else. Sometimes, you worry that it isn't ok to love us, to think of us as home, to depend on us to get you through a moment. You hurt because you think it isn't possible that anyone could have genuinely felt for you the way you want to believe we did, the way you feel we must have to care for you so well. It's hard to believe that now in a world that shows its love in such small doses. And we know that your doubt isn't about not being able to believe; your doubt comes from how much you want this to be true. We know you want this more than anything, and to risk having it taken away feels like too much. We even know how scared you've been to tell us because of how we might respond. We know how others have responded, how love has been negligent, non-existent, manipulative, controlling, and ill-used. We know that it's been everything you wanted, and to take away the one really strong memory you have of it- the one experience that says, yes, there is a life like you want, one that will let you be so peaceful in yourself- would hurt you more deeply than you trust yourself to stand. You try to tell yourself that we don't have that power, that your life as you experience is real, but trusting your perception is new, and we understand if you don't feel safe in your own world yet. If you feel like anyone, especially those of us who mean so much to you, could snap and it would disappear.
We really do believe you will be loved. And we don't say that to deny that we have loved you. We want you to know that there will come a time when you have something *at least* this good again. We gave you life at a time when you thought it was gone completely, but you have years now to live that life. You don't have to be in pain in order to draw forth love like ours. You don't have to risk yourself again in order to have the support of others. You don't ever have to feel the pain you went through these past years. We know how scared you were, how desperate, how much you prayed that someone would come and save you, at the same time you knew you had to save yourself. And we know how hard you tried, all those nights before you came to us, when you tried with everything in you to put your life back together. Give me a few hours/ I'll have this all sorted out...We know. And we don't ever want you to have reason to return to that place. We know how scared you are of that hopelessness, how your experience with us keeps you safe in equally desperate times, and you don't know how you'll make it through if the reality of what you had here is challenged. We know that you've done the impossible, and you aren't even quite sure how. That you found your life when you had given up believing you deserved to, that you hung onto it when you lost your first and maybe-only (you think) home, when you lost the girl who promised to get well with you. You hung onto it through everything, and we know you're forever wondering how long you can manage to stick this out, even as you know you can't ever give in. You're doing such amazing work, Mary. You never quit, no matter how impossible it seems. You do the work until it gets so difficult you can't possibly continue; then you do. We know. We really do. We watched it when you were with us, and we know it's the only way that you could have made it through this year. We know that you are still reaching out at every opportunity, asking yourself the best way to get whatever you might need. Believing when it seems impossible to believe. Picking yourself up when it seems you'll only fall again.
We're so sorry that it's been this hard. That you still doubt your own experience so much, your own right to your feelings, and your right to be loved. We're sorry that you couldn't have stayed longer, that for reasons you still don't understand, you were discharged before you wanted to leave. We're sorry that you're so scared of losing your past, you don't reach for us now. When you asked that we not let you leave until you could reach out, we made that true. And we're sure you'll figure out what to do with the fact that you doubt yourself, that you've gotten back into a place where you can't. Into a place where we matter so much, you can't let us in. We know how painful it must be, to need our love so badly you can't ask us if it's there.
And, Mary, we really don't care if you ever write a book or win a Tony for your plays. We really don't care if you spend the next forty years as a truck-driver, so long as you never lose the you that you found here. We know you'll grow from her, that you're already changing, evolving, becoming more yourself, and you need to know that it doesn't matter to us how those changes happen. We believe you're talented and will live an amazing life. We believe that you can have a hugely positive effect on the world, but really, sweetie, all you have to do is live in it. You don't have to be Mary Lastname if you want to be Mary Brave. You don't have write when you'd rather talk, and you're allowed to choose how you incorporate your gifts. You don't have to be anyone's vision of who you are, not even ours. What we love about you has nothing to do with your ability to articulate ideas. Anyone could read your writing and be impressed by you, but we know someone deeper than those words, we know the girl behind them. The girl who will one day be even freer than she was last year. We don't care if you save the rainforest or cure cancer or win a string of Pulitzers. We don't care how you develop, so long as you stay focused on holding onto YOU. We already know you, we already care, we already love you even, and you don't have to become anything to secure this. It's already impossible to break.
When you came to us, you'd been nearly mute for years. You couldn't look at anyone, and you didn't believe in your own worth. Now, well, you could be our posterchild, but you are so much more than that. You are so much more than what we think of you. And who you are, that girl you feel so deeply in yourself, is so safe. She won't disappear if we stop thinking about her. She isn't a figment of our imaginations, and she isn't a figment of yours. She doesn't need us to exist, even though she wants so badly to have us there. We know how much you feel you need us, but you don't need us to exist. That one we hope you'll learn in time. That your life is independent of all affection, affirmation, perception. You need relationships, but you won't go away without us here. You've seen it the past year; we know you have. You say it so well- that the strength you find here must have been so amazing, if it managed to sustain you even through the pain of losing us.
It isn't your job to find the way to love your friends that keeps them safe at all times. It isn't your job to find the perfect way of being, the way that makes everything in life secure. And there will come a day when you experience for yourself that your life is secure, when you can start to believe everything else is. There will come a day when you feel as safe waking up somewhere else as you did here. We know you don't want to lose us, but you also need to know that if you we're separated, you will still be safe. Mary, look at your life. Look at what you've survived. Look at everything you manage to juggle, assess, survive. Nothing we can do will take away your bravery, your tenacity, your strength. Nothing will disarm the incredible power you have found. We know how scary your life was when you lost touch with that power, but we also see how aware you are at all times. We see how the moment you feel disconnected, sirens go off, and you call in the search party. You have the tools now to keep it from happening, and so it simply won't happen. You won't ever have to die that way again. Because if there ever comes a time when you're in that much pain again, you know you can call out. You know you can reach for someone, and this time they will be there. Really there. This time, if there ever is a need, your saviors won't be in books you write and books you read. You don't have to survive on fantasy anymore, and you don't have to worry that your reality will fade as quickly as your daydreams have. Your recovery is real. Your progress is real. And it took real safety, real home, real work to make that possible. You tried, with everything you knew, to get better through your fantasies. We so hope that someday you will be able to see how real this is and accept that as your truth. You're working at it, we know. Don't worry. We know if someone tries to take it away from you, you'll fight. We know that your story means more to you now than your stories ever did. You've seen too much of this world to go back into your old perception. We're glad of that. Trust it. Trust that you can't go back now that you have another option. Trust that you have seen pain and chosen to stay and feel it, rather than lose yourself to avoid what seems unbearable. Trust that the one thing you know now is unbearable is to be someone other than yourself, to lose your inner guidance, wisdom, power. Trust that, armed as you are with everything you've learned and everyone you've loved, you will not be plowed down by your demons. They can't touch you now. No matter how difficult the battle, the pain of fighting them will always be less than the pain of giving into your old life. So, you're safe. Always. Because you have a solid reason to always choose this world.
And your heart has a reason as well. It remember. The grief you're going through is testimony. You think what you experienced with us wasn't real? Touch those tears. Feel that biting feeling in your chest, the one that misses us so desperately. That feeling isn't there to torture you. It's with you so you'll feel it, remember, realize. You do not grieve what wasn't real. You don't cry for hours one year later. You don't survive the toughest storms with a faulty support. You survive because what you have is real.
We watched you transform, Mary. We watched you open up and discover yourself. We watched you feel the feelings and learn how to be free of them. We were there, we walked with you, we supported you, we cared. There's no changing the bond that keeps you with us. We met you when it seemed hopeless; we got to know you after thinking you were gone for good. And that was a gift for us, too. That's a gift- to know someone you might never have known. To connect to them so deeply, to bear witness to such change. You let us in; you let us help you and teach you how to help yourself. We won't forget that. We won't forget you. We can't, Mary. We can't make the past any less real. And would we really want to?
We remember it, too. We remember your pain and your peace. We know it seems impossible to keep going, despite the fact you do. We know you're going to make it, even though you're frightened of what it will take to do so. Even though you're still frightened that you do not have the strength, we know you do. You even have the strength to say you're exhausted and lean on other people. Your pain can't beat you now.
So you don't have to worry so much or cry so hard with no one there to hold you. Because we know. And you can come to us with this, too. Yes, this place is a job for us. It's one part of a vastly bigger world and bigger life. It's not home, and maybe we can't quite imagine how it has been for you, but we still don't doubt the truth of your experience. We saw you come home, come into yourself, share her with us. We know you're being honest when you say this place filled you, kept you safe, opened you to something you'd never been given before. We believe you when you say you needed to be here. And having connected with you so deeply, we would never want to take it away. We would never want to take away the thing that changed everything for you. That gave you the support to change things.
It's ok to hold onto us. We know it isn't about holding onto sickness, missing a hospital, or wantined Ed. We know it's vastly deeper than that. What you miss...it's different than the hospital that helped you start recovering. It's the home that helped you find yourself, that gave you reason and means to live. You miss the home, the family, the connection to something that- even at such distance- still sustains you. Don't give up what feeds you. Don't give up what keeps you (truly) safe. Don't let go of what you know is real. You have your voice now; listen to it. You know what you need, and you know what you've been given. Don't pressure yourself to run away. The girl we know, the Mary-in-progress who is already so incredible, could never cut off something that means this much to her. Something like magic in her life and yet so real. You experienced what it was like to be alone once. We know you can't go back to that. We know that your love for us is real and really you. We know that in time you'll learn we don't define your reality, that we don't have to leave you for you to discover that. You're starting to believe it already, or you wouldn't have the strength to take this risk.
You're making it, Mary, scary as that is at times. You're starting to see how strong these bonds are, starting to honor that by believing you are still connected, even when it hurts or seems impossible. And when you have the strength to check, we will be there with you in whatever way we can. Because what you feel now is true, is real, is as powerful as all those things in your life that seem to undermine us- all those messages, experiences, realities that seem more real. You are a wholly real person, so trust those feelings; trust those needs. Let yourself believe in what you know. Let yourself accept that you are bound to us in a way that frees you. Let yourself accept how loved you are, were, and will be.
This time around, we're with you, however we can be. You will have everything you need, no matter what it takes. You will be safe and whole and real this time. Really, you already are.
We care. We aren't letting go either.
~Rogers
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