10:15 p.m. - 01/05/02
balancing between braindeath and bohemia...
Katia keeps reminding me in all her letters that I really need a kitty; I think her latest is that I'd enjoy cuddling with a furball. I wish I could communicate to her how thoroughly against it my parents are, though I think I might respond this next time by letting her know that, at the very least, I have Kittie on my side...seeing as I am downloading anything of theirs I can get my grubby hands on until I can get a CD...
Sometimes, a line pops into your head at the appropriate moment, and you suddenly realize a band you've overlooked for far too long, has never written a note you won't find relevant.
I was just looking through Cami's journal, which reminded me once again that I really do have to decide sometime in the next few days what I want to do about school. It's been the last thing I wanted to think about for so long, that looking into it now, though frustrating, is almost a relief. I won't say that this "issue" can't find a way to become tragic, but it just seems a little less like a landmine then certain other recent events. However, knowing that at one point I did have the school issue "figured out" through college, and now I'm basically back at square one, not to mention a semester behind on whatever track I'm on, is irritating. It is.
I guess I can't really be behind on a track, if I'm not sure where it's supposedly going. I really have to let go of the old expectations. I thought I did so when I took this last semester off, but it's extremely tempting now to throw myself into my assignments and find myself suddenly caught up. School gave me distraction, affirmation, and purpose for a long, long time and even though Stephanie and Brea did everything they could to teach me that I have the same relationship with school that I do with food, I'm *dying* to binge on some decent math problems. I just feel like it'd be a decent distraction right now. I know I've used it in unhealthy ways in the past, but if I'm still going to therapy, and I have to feel sometimes, and I have to be eating, and I have to get out of the house, won't it pretty much be kept under control? I'd sign contracts; I'd negotiate deals...and I wouldn't want to go back into the actual school *building* or take some over-full AP schedule...but...just a couple textbooks to fall back on, to throw into my routine, which has otherwise centered around gradual cerebral deterioration?
I *like* to think. I like to be challenged. I like to spend forty minutes solving a math problem and really understand the beauty of the angles. I like the poetry in the science and the science in the poetry. I had the politics of school, the poison of it, but I love the core of learning. And I don't think it would necessarily be a bad thing for me to be turning in award-worthy essays right now, seeing as self-hatred and shame are being affirmed daily. I might as well counteract it, mightn't I?
I can always still apply to Hogwarts, and I can always still go in as a junior. After all, I probably won't be able to take serious classes because I'm starting a semester late, so I'll probably be taking the 1/2 credit versions...Shakespeare as opposed to English III, that kind of thing.
I'll have to come up with a contract at least for myself because I don't want to get back to the point where I feel so owned by academia that I'm begging to be allowed one problem, even as I struggle with some fatal ones...
calculatedchord
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