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3:11 p.m. - 04/01/03
my inner pessimist.
I so need to scream right now, and I'm home alone, so I just did. Damn. I was thinking that more people need to be told about caged, and so I thought, I need to e-mail the woman who runs stop-pro-ana, or maybe I just need to post on the message board, and so yes, I went to the message board. And saw things that make me (more) crazy. I saw a lot that didn't make me crazy, too, but still. Damnit. People need to submit to caged because there needs to be a forum for people who want to know but can't hear the propaganda (because maybe they lost a loved one, or maybe they're not secure in recovery yet, or for whatever reason.) This fucking culture. This fucking disease. I'm putting myself on the line just asking for submissions because if enough people ever *are* aware of the caged-freed site, there's no doubt in my mind I'll receive flaming. Damn.it.

I've been thinking a lot about stop-pro-ana, more so since I joined their ring, and again since I started caged. My first response when I went to that forum today was, "Why do I exist, exactly? Obviously, there is a place where people can talk about this, already." But I don't think stop-pro-ana is what c.a.g.e.d. is, by all accounts. First of all, while my site is against pro-ed material, it invites people to talk about whatever they believe, and I think something like stop-pro-ana instantly puts pro- people on the defensive. Plus, there are all the ethical issues - is it censorship to take down these sites? is it wrong? - which maybe need to be discussed at c.a.g.e.d, too, but which can keep people from looking at what the disease actually is and what the pro-ed culture actually is. Also, I look at c.a.g.e.d. as a broader forum. It's against the glorification of eating disorders. That means that people can talk about their true experience with eating disorders (their own, someone else's), their feelings about pro-ed culture, their beliefs about people with eating disorders, or a thousand other things. I want c.a.g.e.d to create a dialogue, which is different than wanting fuel to shut something down. Even though I often do want to fuel that. I just think people deserve better. Better than eating disorders. I'm not trying to take their culture, their "sanctuary" as one girl called it, away...I'm just so heartbroken that it's keeping them from having the much more fulfilling ways of life I have...now. Now that I'm fighting this.

"You will not have to give up anything until you are ready and then there will be something to take its place." -Joanne Greenberg

It's "the wrong anger"* that has me trying to save the world. I wish I could care about smaller things; I really do. I wish I could feel like I did yesterday, that I am really making a difference in this world, simply by the way I live within it. But then, I just went through the worst April Fool's Day prank I've ever encountered. So maybe I have reason to feel a little off. The session was bad. Really bad. And in all likelihood, we'll be better off for working through how bad it was, but my god, it was horrible. Not the normal "pain as part of the process" horrible. More like getting beaten up horrible. And he so didn't mean to (of course) and I so couldn't understand that...

Bah. I'll talk about it later. It's too much right now.

chord

*Marge Piercy poem

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