9:40 p.m. - 04/17/03
my face, my pretty face, gets lost in the crowd.
So very tired...
I think I would have fallen asleep around three this afternoon and slept through the night, if my body had allowed me to do so. I'm glad it didn't though because Shannon called, and well, all you other people should be jealous that she didn't call you. I love talking to her, and I look forward to the day when I won't feel like an idiot after every comment. It's gotten better, though; in the handful of calls we've had, it's gotten better. And maybe the talks with her will improve my "phone karma" which I think must be pretty poor, as in the three times I've attempted to call Rogers, no one has been there to talk. I have issues with this (of course) - considering that while at Rogers, they seemed to spend all their time in the office, away from us, insisting they had to answer phone calls, and now that I'm gone they're never there. (Perception? Perhaps.) I'm kidding a little, but I do actually have issues with this. I was crying over it in my session today. I was pretty much crying in general. In the beginning, I couldn't really make myself talk openly, and he said I seemed more "down or hesitant" and I told him both were true. I did tell him about trying to call Rogers, about my mom's shitty "he's switching back to one week" comment, and sending the letter to Jenna. He asked about caged and told me that his actual plan for our sessions was to wait and make a plan after my trip. He also told me that there's a big difference between switching from two appointments (per week) to one and switching from one appointment to anything less. And he promised that he would never be the one to request that; he promised that therapy would never be terminated by anything other than *my* request.
And I cried. Because, all evidence seems to lean to he'll disappear, and because so many other people have and are. And it's not even that everyone wants to, but they just don't call or they just don't write, or they just aren't there when you dial the phone. I told him I feel like everyone is slipping away, and even though I can see that's not true, it has me so scared. I'm so completely terrified of being alone, and I see myself coming closer to that. He talked about the pain in that, and the idea that such pain was predicting. He suggested I take it as "this is really painful, and we need to figure out what to do with it" rather than "this is really painful and obviously going to lead to my demise." A good suggestion. I don't know exactly how to make the shift, but I don't have to globalize, I guess. I don't have to say that just because people have left or are leaving, everyone always will. I can believe beyond that.
People stay, too. People stay. He told me the other day that there's a difference between leaving and abandoning, that my desperate need to never abandon anyone occasionally gets in the way of needing to leave them. The difference, he said, is that when you abandon someone, you do so after promising them something; you leave with some responsibility or promise unfulfilled. And he's promised me more times than I have fingers that he is not going to leave me to deal with this alone, that I don't have to be more sick, that I'm not a hopeless case, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. He's made promises, and I really do trust him not to break those. My trust is just occasionally impaired by the intensity of grief and loss and fear. I need to touch base with Rogers; I really do. I need to talk to them, and if I cry my eyes out afterward, that's fine. If I have to pull out some extra resources to deal with the conversation, ok. It's like he said today: we've gotten to the point again where the risk of not calling feels worse than the risk of trying that connection. And maybe I can't handle it right now, on the brink of this trip, but maybe I can. I can usually handle more than I credit myself as being capable of.
Like with food. It's possible that people are concerned about my eating (people who read this, not real life people) and I just want to say very directly that you don't have reason to be. I am not relapsing, no matter what I've said in the past few entries or may say in the next couple. The best I can explain is that I'm at the point where normally, I would freak out and run to Tammy, and have her pacify me with "the numbers are all fine; you're fine" and I haven't run to her (yet.) So instead, I'm freaking out and not trusting myself, even though the migraines have made it very clear that I need to eat in a certain way at certain times, and I've been doing so. Even though I pushed myself to keep finding *meals* when my parents kept forgetting to buy groceries. Even though, even though, even though. I might go see Tammy after the trip; I might not, but either way I need to understand this is a perceptual thing. If I'm not eating enough, my appetite will kick up and let me know that. I need to trust myself and my actions. I need to know that it's just as easy to think "I'm not eating enough" as it was to think "I'm eating too much." And I think the goal is to undermine me, to make me uncertain, to keep me from acting on what I know I need. So. If I have to call/ e-mail Sarah prior to this trip and say, "please understand I need to do meals on a really regular schedule so I don't end up sick, and could you pretty-please put away your scale?" I will do so. Because there isn't any reason to be a hero here. There isn't any reason to risk unnecessarily. I'm already taking a trip to Jupiter and back; there's no reason to go in a hot air balloon.
And we do think (the doctor and I) that it's important to keep food on track specifically for purposes of settling the migraine. He talked to me about causes and how this one seemed pretty coincidental, and it would probably calm down again on its own; I just need to let it. No help to the pain by not eating, and an explanation from him of why food either saves the day or further ruins it when I feel sick. (Apparently, my stomach slows down, and food either pushes it to speed up or...doesn't...leaving me with even more stuck food. Queasiness.) So the best tactic I can think of is eating before I feel sick, and avoiding the migraine altogether (so much as I can. But I am not causing these with bad eating. I am not. And it is ok for me to eat sugary foods; the specific foods that I feel sick eating have nothing to do- at this point- with triggering the migraine.)
Bah. I'm trying really hard to get everything I need to do done before I leave, and it's making me anxious. How do I clean and do school and pack and prepare and gather my resources and and and and? Shannon and I decided I need to stay busy in New York, so all you kids who are in the area, try and help me out with that. I'm not allowed time to think about icky things. I am allowed to look totally drugged purely on huggling and snuggling and cuddling. I am such a cuddle-fiend.
One more thing: He said something about learning to deal with those people in my life who are like bulldozers, those clingy and needy people that will suck the life out of me. And I told him I had a hard time with it not because I don't want to get away, but because, well, I'm clingy and needy, too. He looked genuinely surprised and said, "Really? Is that how you see yourself?" and I just had this, "Yeah, duh" expression on my face because it seems like the most obvious thing in the world. "You see yourself in the same category as them?" he asked, and I said, "Well...I'm not mean like they are...I wouldn't do things like they do...but...I'm still grasping at people and relationships that just aren't happening." And he said, "What do you mean by grasping? Have you ever kept invading someone after they gave you a clear indication that they weren't interested?" and I told him no, assuming (which I don't) that no response is not a negative response. In that case, he asked, "how often would you get in touch with someone?" and when I thought about it, it's still pretty rarely. I e-mail Mandy every time I reach the breaking point, which is usually after several months of not hearing from her. It took me well over a year to write Jenna. He nodded; I guess I proved his point. He said that there were two fields, one of thinking constantly, "What will this do? Will this hurt this person? Will it endanger them, injure them, make them feel overwhelmed? Will it be anything other than good?" before acting and one of just swallowing a person whole without ever thinking, and even though it may seem like the two are very difficult to tell apart, there's actually quite a bit of space in between them. And, he said, I am in the former category. Like I told Zach once, I need to learn to *act* after I think. Not to engulf people. Not to caretake or depend. But to be interdependent and to love, love, love, love, love in good-good ways.
So he said...it isn't "needy and clingy" - it's "needing and working." And as usual, that mends my heart a bit and lets me sleep.
chord
p.s. since I'm-not-exactly-sure-when, chord officially has an equal number of people listing her as a favorite as does atoms. and I've been waiting a long time for that confirmation, for that sort of faith and interest and connection to the hope. (that's a thank you, case you missed it...)
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