6:59 p.m. - 05/02/03
til you get out of this mess.
I think my parents are forgetting (again) that I have problems of my own. I know they understand, to some extent anyway, how much I have to manage daily, but I don't think they understand fully. And they tend to forget at inopportune times; (maybe it's never an opportune time). Also, they have no clue the degree to which my "having to deal with things" becomes difficult because of them. Maybe I'll send them an anonymous letter...Dear Sir and Ma'am - signed - A Concerned Citizen.
In other news...
how do you get someone to want to help themselves? exactly. can't do it. they need to be able to want on their own, no one can do it for them. it's just as hard watching them get blinded by the overwhelming light of being on their own. -Krista
hell, yeah; I needed to hear that. I'm slowly catching up on journals (I'm through the i's in my buddy list) that I couldn't read, while I was gone, and realizing something I sort of knew while away but refused to pay much attention. I couldn't read them not simply because I didn't have computer time. I didn't have enough computer time to read every entry written by every person in every journal I read. I could have skimmed, read current entries, stayed on top of a few - at least after Wednesday, I definitely could have. but I didn't. I took a vacation from my codependency. not to imply that's my only motivation for reading journals, but it's been flaming lately, and I guess it seemed good to me that I could just temporarily withdraw from all relationships where I could possibly feel compelled to caretake. and maybe there's nothing wrong with that and maybe there's nothing wrong with still needing more time, but I feel guilty not keeping up with people's lives just because I'm afraid of what will happen to me. just because I can't stand the helplessness. I'm scared to keep avoiding. it means avoiding people I really love, like Sara, or maybe it doesn't. maybe it's only on-line people that I don't really know. (I *know* several people on-line. there are, however, many I don't know.) in any regard, there has to be a better way to not caretake and not be enmeshed than to stay entirely away from people whose stories bring me pain. doesn't there? if there isn't, for the moment, a better way, how on earth do I get through these feelings, back to the place where I can attach and care and still not feel like I've been bull-dozed into a pancake-girl?
I am, for the moment, a bundle of buzzing, supersensitive nerves wrapped in the fetal position.
chord
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