10:21 p.m. - 2003-05-23
lay it all down. sword and shield.
things are never going back to the way they were. I'm starting to realize that fact is just reality. a knock on my door or a letter in my mailbox is more likely to tell me that things are different than that they've returned to how they were. and in some ways that's a very good thing. as for those cases where it's not...I'm pointing it out to myself. I'm saying the blatantly obvious - that I do not control the universe - in hopes that I can start living as if I believe that. I'm saying other things, too, like - "Don't try and change them. Don't try and save them. Just be love. As much as you can, just be love." I'm trying to work at what I call codependency (which is such a stupid name, as stupid as eating disorder when the truth is scasid; codependency makes it sound like it depends on the relationship, on the existence of the other person, when really it's just all these stupid thoughts in my head that make me act a certain way, i.e. play out with other people...hmm, maybe it's part of scasid. not exactly a mind-blowing epiphany: everything else is) in the same every-second-of-every-day manner that I work on other things. I need to stop falling into and getting out of really bad phases with this. I need to check it at the source. of course, that's easier typed than done.
and whenever I feel like I need to make a big change in my life - at the moment, fighting the codependency and re-acknowledging (-aligning myself with) my spirituality - I feel like it's stupid to say I'm going to. I think I still relate the "let's buckle down and change this" tone to "I swear I'm not going to be eating-disordered tomorrow" - a phrase that never worked out. facing facts, I might as well have been a cancer patient saying, "I'm not going to have cancer tomorrow." but I didn't know that. I didn't know that there were tools I needed to use, and feelings I needed to express, and people I needed to help me. I thought getting better was all about being in control, having the right sort of will-power. funny how even being well gets foggy with being sick.
and I'd say more, but I'm run ragged. it's been a long time since I had a schedule that involved seeing non-family members everyday of the week. and this week, we had the added glory of flurazepam. which I don't think is helping me sleep at night, though it definitely knocked me out for a few days. bah. why are the pretty blue pills always the ones that don't work?
I will shush now.
chord
�
�
