11:00 a.m. - 05/29/03
nothing's better than more, more, more.
[This page is filled with ways for you to share in my overwhelming self-absortion. It's updated occasionally. Enjoy!]
Confused readerliebs might try the dictionary/ cast list as a source of relief. If you're wondering where on earth I might fit in, I advise you to check out the many rings that include me as a member. Why, for some rings, I am even a ringleader. (And oh, the joy I get in using that term. It's like the scribbling art I make solely to refer to myself as "sketchy.")
Bits of language have arrived and soundbytes will arrive shortly and subtly grow to impressive (or disturbing stature.) My always-in-need-of-an-update quote collection will enjoy your perusal as well. It's alphabetized by first word. Doesn't that make you feel all fuzzy inside?
You can get to know the truth about me by taking this quiz. And remember not to blame a girl for boredom...
And if you like me (you really like me) you can find more of me at-
atomgirl (my original diary, before I started recovery, far from trigger-free)
chordchild, which you're actually at right now but might not realize you are, especially if you came via a link from
eventhewind, my current journal. there's also
nourish (a current project, in which I document all those things I've learned the hard way)
C.A.G.E.D. (the community against the glorification of eating disorders; a public project, open to anyone, always in need of more entries)
or read the list of-
Numerous Things You Do Not Need To Know About Me:
1] I hate cilantro.
2] I have a major sticker fetish.
3] I can be placated with (fuzzy) yarn.
4] I (almost) never go into a bookstore without visiting the children's section.
5] I love your general cotton t-shirts (baby-doll-ish) but hate all the "flirt" "boy-crazy" "I eat boys for dinner" crap on them.
6] My favorite Sesame St. characters include Telly (who no one ever lists), Ernie, and Cookie Monster.
7] I still have a poster of the Ghostwriter team.
8] My favorite books stem from Ramona the Pest to Jane Eyre to I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.
9] After many years of careful thought, I no longer want to be a fairy (though I may continue collecting wands and wings).
10] I think Joanne Greenberg somehow managed to write my autobiography, and therefore consider her hugely underrated.
11] The first chapter book I wrote was about a (fabulous) teacher from Mars and the class that loved her.
12] No one (and I mean no one) is allowed to talk shit about Wisconsin or Tori Amos in my presence.
13] I would have won my fifth grade spelling bee if I hadn't missed the word "anthropologist" - but I still received a trophy, was applauded by my class, *and* beat the sixth grade champ so it worked out ok.
14] In seventh and eighth grade I learned how to sing. In high school, I learned how to train my voice (think breaking a horse's spirit), and I've recently been working to re-accept its quirks and telltale textures.
15] I went deaf for a week in sixth grade and was borderline mute during middle school.
16] I like Rosie O'Donnel.
17] "The Canterville Ghost" (with Sir John Gielgud) is the only movie I know that's better than the book.
18] Perspicacious and perspicacity are tied as my favorite words, and I only accept this definition: "to be acute in understanding without fear of the future" which is from the movie mentioned in number 17.
19] I'm starting to wonder about teen angst. I still enjoy melancholy things - depressing movies, music, etc - but nothing's so dramatic as it used to be. I'm not sure if that's adulthood, recovery, or delusion, but I will let you know.
20] I won a national playwriting award.
21] I'm still more proud of the fact that I can cry, talk, and eat my meals than I am of my writing. And I want to keep it that way.
22] I can think of less than three people I did not get along with in my entire k-12 (well, k-10; pre-homebound) school career. Generally, the not-getting-along resulted from teacher-imposed "she's smarter and better-behaved than you are, so there!" impressions and from shyness misperceived as arrogance.
23] I don't think I've ever cried at a sappy romantic movie. I've only recently started crying at media in general, and now, it tends to be plays like "Keely and Du" or movies like "Boys Don't Cry." Not that I *dislike* sappy romantic movies, in general, they just don't hit me as hard.
24] I'm still boggled by the fact that "Lost and Delirious" - despite telling the story of a lesbian couple at an all-girl's school - managed to come off anti-girl.
25] Consequently, that movie is not why I changed (or rather, claimed) my name.
26] When Trolls come back in (the way Pooh and Hello Kitty and Strawberry Shortcake have), I will *so* continue collecting them.
27] I sometimes wish I had skin of a different color. Like blue, or green, or black.
28] More and more frequently, I break social codes. I talk to people in waiting rooms; I make personal comments (compliments) to strangers. It usually results well, unless it falls flat. Violence or verbal bashing does not generally ensue.
29] I actually wanted to be in therapy for years before I started it but was too scared to ask, and too scared of what I'd have to say, to make it happen.
30] I have the probably mistaken notion that therapy (with the right caregiver) is good for everyone. I'm comparable to a missionary. I have been brainwashed, and I do recommend it.
31] I love the ocean. I love water in general. Unless, we're talking beverages; then I prefer juice.
32] I give impromptu commercials for Juicy Juice, Ben Harper, Winter Machine, and Rogers so often I could be a sales rep.
33] High-healed shoes and cubicles are two things I hope to avoid in the workplace. (There are others. Those two come to mind.)
34] The best textbook I had in high school was (eep! past tense! and only slightly prematurely!) my psychology textbook, with my science fiction book as a close second. Sci-fi gave me the most uncharted territory, psych entertained what I already found interesting, and physics gave me the most self-esteem.
35] I always feel like this is a confession, but nonetheless, I like algebra.
36] I cannot rollerskate, and I cannot swim (but I've mastered the arts of falling down and flailing).
37] I prefer "grey" to "gray" but "color" to "colour."
38] I was once traumatized when a pack of sixth graders attacked me, while I was costumed as Liz from the Magic School Bus series.
39] I have read one Babysitters Club book and one Goosebumps book and I never felt the need to read more.
40] In middle school, I hated that the girl behind me in literature class received accolades for reading about one apple paperback a day, while I took my time through masterpieces like Les Mis.
41] I stopped reading Les Mis, with no logical explanation, only a couple hundred pages from the end.
42] If I could have my own commencement ceremony I'd especially want my fifth grade teacher, my fifth and sixth grade gifted teacher, nearly all of my eighth grade teachers, my first grade teachers, my AP Euro teacher, my current tutor, and my (never-before-seen) Physics and Diversity teachers to be there.
43] Enigma of the moment: I consider myself most cool when I consider myself a dork.
44] I have a purely fanatic, asexual crush on Clay Aiken's voice. (i.e. It goes away when he stops singing.)
45] I still do not own Y Kant Tori Read, a fact that makes me bow my head in shame.
46] I know about a hundred million ways to counter shame.
47] I don't understand why anyone would want to live in this disturbingly rural area, but I'm so in love with Wisconsin, the state's considering a restraining order.
48] My favorite cartoons include Garfield and Friends, Darkwing Duck, Spongebob Squarepants, The Simpsons, and Daria.
49] I used to be quite talented at jumproping (American and Chinese, and I could do tricks), but I never learned Double Dutch.
50] I have seriously considered purchasing a skip-it more than once in the past year.
51] I cannot turn a somersault, do a cartwheel, or stand on anything but my feet.
52] My favorite Harry Potter character is Professor McGonogall, closely followed by Ginny Weasley.
53] I relate better with my sister if I'm assertive, my oldest brother if we involve an activity, my middle-brother since he went to college/ I went to high school, and my other brother when I have energy.
54] I admire both of my grandmothers and wish I saw more of them.
55] Before I went to Rogers, I thought the song that best explained my situation (illness) was "Canary" by Liz Phair. Since Rogers, I consider it "Somewhere in Between" by Lifehouse.
56] I am slowly learning that pop music can be fun and enjoying the occasional country song is not necessarily a sin.
57] I was raised by a Catholic father and a Catholic-turned-Goddess-worshipping mother; I have a very unique sense of spirituality (in part) as a result.
58] Or, to put it this way: my dad collects Santa Clauses and other happy Christmas things; my mom collects witches and other colorful Halloween characters.
59] My parents haven't lived in the same house for more than a couple of months in what I'd guess to be four years.
60] I love the subway and adore airplanes (even though I always get anxious beforehand.) Turbulence and take-offs are the closest I can come to an amusement park. (Anxiety disorder = no rollercoasters. Ever.)
61] My grades went up when I stopped going to school.
62] I'm terrified of bugs, no matter what kind.
63] I'm not usually capable of discussing art right after experiencing it because I can't translate from my individual, sensate language into English that quickly.
64] One of my brother's grade school best friend egged my geometry teacher's car upon hearing that she was being brutally unkind to me. (She was also evil to my brother, but it was for *my* honor that the car was trashed.)
65] I flip Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Libby Lu the bird everytime I pass them, and I dream of protests and photo shoots that would undermine them significantly, or at least make me feel better.
66] I love rain.
67] I believe in love before first sight. (I have experienced it.)
68] I'm actually a really unlikely candidate for the pro-recovery champion I play. I understood nothing about eating disorders up until the time I started recovery; I believed every stereotype, and I couldn't fathom how I supposedly had one.
69] If I see someone do an amazing job in one movie or read one book by an amazing author, I will love them for life. Examples of this: Tennnessee Williams (based solely on The Glass Menagerie), Joanne Greenberg (I'm reading my second book now, though), Sandra Bullock (28 Days), Natalie Portman (starting with Anywhere But Here), etc.
70] I knew I needed to buy Little Earthquakes without hearing a single song all the way through; just the little blips of lyric and vocals and piano certified it.
71] I'm professionally trained in using theater as a tool for social change. (beware my power!)
72] If I didn't have allergic reactions to the entire natural, outside world, I'd probably want to be a druid now.
73] I believe that each religion and faith sees one facet of something far greater than we can understand, and so even though I don't follow any religion, I do have strong spiritual beliefs.
74] I confused the post office when I changed my name.
75] I'm my mother's travel phone-book because I'm terribly good at remembering phone numbers I've actually called, but I lose the ability in moments of high stress.
76] I can still recite my address at Rogers.
77] Seeing Silje last December was one of the best parts of the year.
78] I secretly hope that when I start to enter society (i.e. fight phobias) I'll be so addicted to the joy of it that I'll progress quickly.
79] I love to talk about books, and that's developed into a love of essays/ critiques on books since I went homebound, but I think symbolism should *never* be deconstructed to "this = that" by English teachers. I've seen so many books destroyed that way.
80] The worst book I've ever had to read for school was Hatchet.
81] The worst book I didn't read for school (i.e. it was so bad I skimmed the book to do the assignments the night before they were due) was The Swiss Family Robinson.
82] I'd rather have my-brother-the-prodigy sincerely ask me to do a vocal on one of his albums than win American Idol. I'd truly feel more affirmed.
83] I look like my mom, have my dad's diseases, analyze like my mom, have compassion like my dad, occasionally have my mom's enthusiasm, continually fear situations similarly to my dad, and love them both.
84] I love being the youngest child, even though I want a baby for the sole purpose of spoiling and holding and loving. (I don't want it to be my baby, mind.)
85] The best and worst parts of being the youngest are very similar: The best parts include everything I learned from watching my siblings do it first and always having someone to look out for me. The worst parts were having to watch other people take part in exciting activities and being too young to do anything similar and not learning to trust I could do things on my own.
86] In my dreams, I can usually defy gravity, but I never go far off the ground, and I'm often partly paralyzed simultaneously.
87] I used to have really wonderful dreams about being at Hogwarts with our favorite trio of young wizards and witch.
88] I didn't actually like Harry Potter until the end of the first book. When I realized how important every incident was, I was more drawn in by the next one.
89] I would really like to work as a cashier at a craft store, even though I know I'd be bored most of the time.
90] Even though my diploma is from somewhere else, I still think of N*land as where I went to high school, and the kids there as my classmates.
91] Many positive experiences have resulted from my ability to convince adults that I don't really count as a teenager, student, etc.
92] I like to play with numbers, and I would still watch Square One if it was on at a decent hour. I'm the type of kid who wrote up math problems over the summer because I missed homework. Or, I was, until later in life.
93] I get mad that they don't make shoes with fictional characters (like Harry Potter) in my size.
94] I love being short. I'm just taller than my sister, and I hope it stays that way.
95] I'm shy, until I know you (or unless I'm having high anxiety); then I chatter like a ...chatterbox.
96] I grew up in a log cabin and my peers routinely asked me if I had running water and electricity. (Yes, I did.)
97] I'm too shy to dance in public, but when no one's around I've mastered a bounce-thrash-flail combination that's really spectacular.
98] I've never lived in a real town, even a small town. I've always lived on the outskirts, in rural settings.
99] If I could magically learn to do two things without effort they would be - photography as an artistic medium and how to play the cello.
100] I consider listmaking a productive activity.
101] In the same year, three really wonderful teachers gave me The Giving Tree as a see-you gift and another read Oh, The Places You'll Go! and cried.
102] I was the first chair clarinet player in middle school, before my anxiety progressed and I could no longer breathe properly. It was a hard position to lose.
103] I have a disproportionate affection for badminton.
104] Continually, when I do theater, the surrounding people decide that I either have a crush on or should hook up with some random guy, while I'm entirely obsessed with a girl (supposedly asexually, but...)
105] I read a huge amount of mysteries as a kid, but I never felt capable of writing one.
106] If I were a fabric, I'd want to be stretch cotton.
107] I desperately want a bag like paperboys (or girls) have, which I would then decorate with many wonderful random things.
108] Sometimes, I make strangers laugh with my antics.
109] I'm a literature and language geek, though I don't always feel I have the intelligence or experience to support that. Almost all of my jokes have to do with wording.
110] I consider myself the most politically/socially progressive member of my family.
111] I tend to make auditory typos. Like "won't" instead of "want" or "leave" instead of "live."
112] I have a hypersensitive knee-jerk reflex that usually scares or injures doctors.
113] I've done reports on Maine, Ireland, and Austria.
114] When I was young, I planned to move to Jamaica. When I learned it was far away, I changed my mind to Florida. I don't plan to follow up on this at the moment, but who knows, I might.
115] I used to think the world was very small because I thought the signs on the highway (exits, et cetera) were announcing the city themselves (instead of the highway that, in four hours, would arrive at the city.) I was a little overwhelmed when I realized how much bigger the world was.
116] I don't drink, but the presence of strings (especially cellos) impairs my judgment and leaves me more easily influenced than I would like.
117] I talk to myself, and I answer.
118] The most embarrassing CD in my collection is a tie between the Touched By An Angel soundtrack and Christina Aguilera's "Stripped."
119] To this day, I have no idea why I was chosen as the grade's one applicant for a challenge camp the summer after my sixth grade year, but it was my first real taste of independence and the reason I started liking science.
120] I'm an idealist.
121] I'm liberal politically, but I don't appreciate the stereotypying that labels me as someone who will let anything slide. I'm truly accepting of many things, but I see problems, too. I generally disagree with the solutions proposed by the government, and the white/black, all-or-nothing battles into which tough issues inevitably fall.
122] For instance, I think it's very important that abortion remain legal, and so I consider myself "pro-choice" - but I think it's wrong that the issue has been categorized so idiotically. Who isn't supportive of life? I like life, and I like choice. I think all those terms just distract from the reality, and I think many people are fish in the water who don't know they are wet.
123] I've recently begun wishing I could call into radio stations and request that they *not* play certain songs.
124] I've never gotten a serious injury doing something that wasn't entirely simple or stupid (i.e. walking, making dinner, showering, etc).
125] I consider myself a good person to know.
126] I probably became a vegetarian as part of my eating disorder, but it has become ethical, and I'm very careful to meet my nutritional needs despite the fact that I don't eat meat or fish. (I've actually lost the ability to connect a live animal to something you eat. It took me five minutes one time to realize that chicken did not have two definitions, that one form was the fried or baked version of the live animal. I stumbled across a piece of chicken in some rice recently and (disgusting phrase ahead) realized that eating animal flesh now feels to me like eating human flesh. It's that disgusting and that bizarre. So it's been awhile for me and meat.)
127] I like chocolate shakes, curly/seasoned fries, yogurt pretzels, and cuddles when I'm sad.
128] I have a really hard time remembering that stuffed animals are not like animals at the humane society, and everytime I see one (especially from a holiday display, after the holiday) I want to rescue it. I'm pretty incapable of understanding the phrase "inanimate object."
129] In our log house, the wallpaper in the bathroom had shells and plants, and I thought it was a community of many, many members. I often told the wallpaper stories, growing up.
130] I'm tired of martyrs. I never want to hear, "I'd die for you" again.
131] It makes me sad that I remember my (paternal) grandpa looking very different than he actually did (because I only have memories from when he was very sick), and so all of my memories of him, which are happy, make my family sad.
132] I found diaryland by randomly following a link from a teen poetry website that didn't have good poetry.
133] Despite my vegetarianism being partly ethical, I'd never consider someone else amoral for eating meat.
134] I had my fifth birthday party in Chicago, at a hotel. I remember getting an electronic doll-ish girl who never worked and a set of Cinderella paper dolls. I had a black jumper with a red apple on it.
135] I was bald until I was three or four, but this did not keep me from brushing my head.
136] I'm not directionally inept (if the directions are clear and complete) but I constantly reverse east and west. (I believe because e comes first in the alphabet, and you read from left to right. So East should be left of West on maps, which it never is.)
137] I know how to distinguish between a good teacher and a good person. Some are one or the other, some are neither, some are both.
138] I love exploring, but since I'm allergic to nature and tremendously terrified of bugs, I tend to stick to the territory of my own identity. Hence, I journal.
139] I believe in good melodrama, and I find one source is vital to my mental health.
140] If I could make my sister direct a play that wasn't mine, I'd have her do "The Effect of Gamma Rays" - because that play does not look to me at all like the way it's produced. Sarah's would be amazing.
141] When I'm losing all hope in the news business, it helps to know my brother is producing at least one broadcast a night. He's hugely integrous.
142] I strongly believe that if we hadn't gotten out, high school would have been fatal for my brother and I.
143] Said brother is a sweetie pie.
144] I hate zucchini.
145] But I love fruit. Except tomatoes.
146] I submitted a poem to a contest judged by Tori Amos, wrote a poem for (and sent it to) Alanis Morissette, but actually received a reply to my e-mail to Henry Bishop.
147] I miss fingerpainting and making homemade paper, which I did often as a kiddle.
148] I make up lots of words as I write. I then consider them real words.
149] I'm proud of several things I can't or haven't done.
150] My name is Mary Brave.
Surveys I've taken can be found here.
[Updates will arrive at the pace of an overly-relaxed, i.e. lazy, quick-typing procrastinator, with a great deal of free time. Give or take a week.]
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