10:43 p.m. - 06/14/03
here, there, everywhere.
Was it really just last night that I tried to write about this? No. It was last night, and this morning, just after six, when my senses eventually kicked my insomnia down and let me sleep again, when I left the unfinished entry for later. It was nearing noon, when I worked at that entry, and finished it, and clicked to upload it while not online. My new computer didn't like this and ate away the effort. So, yes, three times now I have lost my story to the words. I no longer have the energy to circle the topic or to construct flowery sentences. I no longer have the stamina to retell exactly how it went down when it did. I'm just going to tell the cold (and burning) hard (and scratchy) facts.
1.) My parents are divorcing.
Considering the circumstances, we are all ok. (By we I mean my siblings. I'm a little too pissed at my parents right now to consider how they're feeling.) Some of us are shocked because our parents, despite years of marital discord, never divorced before. Because we were told over and over again that "once you have kids, divorce isn't an option" and even those of us who didn't believe that, believed our parents always would. Some of us are sad, some of us are angry, some of us have heard more of our mom's side, some more of our dad's. Some of us are saying, "What the hell; we're all adults anyway" - that wouldn't be me. I'm not an adult, and I'm saying this sucks. I'm being checked on and advised all over the place, and the best I can say for myself is that I know what my life is about (maintaining and continuing to grow in who I am) and nothing is going to tear that apart. I'm not listening to the advice that says shut off my feelings, don't think my thoughts. I'm listening to the thoughts that aren't rational and doing my best not to believe them. I'm eating, I'm distracting myself, I'm feeling a little bit of it every few hours (give or take...), and I'm generally doing my best. I don't know what this means exactly, yet. We were given the after-school-special speech (we still love you, it's not your fault, irreconcilable differences, etc) so all I know is that my parents are divorcing, which only means they won't be married. All of my questions (and there are many) remain unanswered (and unasked) as of yet.
My mom told me, with my brother John there to pick up the pieces. I haven't yet talked to my dad.
2.) Sara's at what we'll call the Twilight Zone Rogers. She's at the actual place as it is now, not as it was then, and all of my fears of what it might be are currently truths for her. Seeing rooms that no longer house the right people, dealing with a staff almost completely new. We spent a long time on the phone, considering that I've already talked with Sarah and Dale today, and for the first time I was really able to talk freely. I am, of course, having a completely different experience of this newest change (the impending divorce) than any of my siblings. I have factors they don't have. I still live with my parents; I'm still dependent on them. I have a different last name, a different family, a different home. Thursday, I was in tears over how much I miss the home that Sara is discovering was made of people, the one that doesn't exist where we left it anymore. I'm discovering that with her, and it hurts like hell, but doing anything with her feels good, too. I love her so much that when I go to write her letters, I almost call her Sara Brave. We are sisters to the point I forget we don't share the same name.
She doesn't sound ok yet. But we talked, and as we talked she sounded better, and who doesn't spend their first two weeks in the hospital crying? Especially when they came back thinking they were going home and found a bunch of strangers in what used to be their nest? She does sound incredibly strong. There are actual, point-out-able traits that I know are expressions of my own strength, and when I see them in Sara, I get a glimpse of how strong she is. I get a glimpse of her health and her self, too, and I know that she can do this. In the meantime, I stopped her early on, as I started to cry (for the first time since I heard the news) to tell her why I was crying, and why she didn't need to feel responsible. I don't know who else I know off-line that I could have told the whole truth. I don't know who else would have understood that while I'm grieving one home and family, my other one is breaking - while I want to be with her, I want to run screaming in the opposite direction. She understands almost instinctively. She reads my silences and hears something in the spaces few others can translate.
And no, it's not easy. She didn't find home there, so I can't simply envy her until I feel sick, and she doesn't have it back, so I can't feel like I got the raw deal. She's going through the pain of being in the (figuratively) remodeled version of what we loved; she's renewing her lease at Rogers two years later, two years stronger, two years different than she was. She's ahead of all the other people there. I told her that's what I believe, and that I think she just needs to focus on herself and how to get herself through. I told her maybe the reason she didn't feel such community is because she needs to learn that the magic and the power and the glory of Rogers is in her, is something she has. She told me that was beautiful truth; I told her it's the doctor's work - his own remodeling project inside my head. I told her that she's right, beauty is truth, and truth is being who you are, and I look forward to the time she has those skills to be herself consistently because I love her, and I'd love to be with her as fully as possible, as often as possible. I said, we'll get better, and what the fuck, we'll go on that trip around the world. She said we'll build that mansion for people from Rogers, only those who are recovering. I said I'm drawing up blueprints and staking out the best rooms.
And I'm scared a little, of the way Tracy and I made these promises...to make it through, to do it together, to lean on each other. But I can't say I haven't gotten through a great deal these past few years because of her. And I can't say that she hasn't gotten better; that I do not know. I do know that I won't relapse over my parents' divorce (that is still an entirely unreal word to me) because I didn't relapse after losing Tracy, and that means I can survive the worst.
And Sara, who has the burden and the opportunity of being back where we are not, shares with me the wisdom of her experience. Through her, I, too, will have some answers. I will receive gifts. She said Stacy came upstairs yesterday to tell her that the reason she (Stacy) hasn't e-mailed me is because her computer is dead. It has nothing to do with me; it has everything to do with the guy who was supposed to have her computer fixed by now not having done that, and I started to cry harder, and I thanked her with fresh oxygen because...do you know what that means???...it means I'm not an acceptable loss to her. It means she's thought of me, she didn't stop writing because of me, and she cares. And you know, maybe I will gain understanding, if I don't gain contacts. Maybe there will come a time (for instance) when I can hold in my heart everything that ever happened with Jenna (and everything that didn't), and simply be ok.
Sara and I are like two sides of a seashell now. She's working at the outside from the in; I'm working at the inside from the out, and we will help each other through. I have four siblings who I love with fierce and fiery sister-ness, and I have one Sara who says the one word: especiallynotyou.
I need to put her package in the mail. For my sake as well as hers. And I need that goddamn doctor to not be five days away. Also, I need the new Harry Potter book. Preferably within the next five minutes.
And anyone who wants to dilute the spam a bit with something personal, even if it's just a picture of your goldfish, would be very much appreciated. I know that I'm not alone, but it never hurts to find some love tucked in the corners of my day, reminding me...
We. will. do. this.
chord
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