8:46 p.m. - 10/24/03
i'll be loving you, like I always do...
if I talk about it too much, I'll go crazy. so I'll just say what I have to ask of you. please. I know I've made this plea before, and you can only imagine how much I wish I'd never have to...but please. right now, a girl I love with my whole heart, a girl I thought I lost forever, a girl who is currently very lost herself, is in a Wisconsin hospital, and there's nothing I can do to get her out of there, safely. there's nothing I can do to determine, for certain, that she will be ok. right now, I can't even be there, to hold her barely existent hand, and tell her in my own voice how much I love her. hopefully, I will be able to at least call her tomorrow. the point is, if you care at all and especially if you care about me, please do not forget this girl. please, whatever you do that is like prayer, I'm begging you. her name is Jenna; my name is Mary. I broke apart completely when I thought I lost her from my life; I can't bear the thought of having her lose her own. wrap her in love, if you can spare it, please. the hatred is so high inside her; we have to try and counter it. she has to know how much she's loved.
as for me...please don't ask questions. I'll tell it as I'm ready and as I know more. please be here. please remember that although I'm not in a hospital bed, my pain right now is exorbitant as illness, is as devastating. please hold onto me, too. if you have a gram of love to spare, give 99% of it to Jenna, but save one percent for me. the girl who's stayed out of the hospital. who keeps waiting for life to let up a little, let her live. who's strongly considering disconnecting the phone, so that it can never again ring with this news. love me, too. I don't need it as much; I am not dying or fighting against death. but the grief stings deep. whatever you can do will be received with so much gratitude. and if the thank yous are belated or your calls go unanswered, please understand that I'm a broken person in a situation intent on crushing spirits. I will not always be able to answer, but I will always be grateful you tried.
*
for me, for us
someday, life will be
more than mapping the
constellations between
tragedies.
*
for her
strong as stone
sharp-edged,
unbreakable
shielded.
unavailable
trapped inside
your own ability
to check emotion
to assail through
any storm.
volcanic,
unapproachable.
radiantly warm.
I want you to be
loose like water
strong enough to
jump and land in
yourself, laughing.
forging frosty walls
as necessary,
cracking yourself open
bending through the breaks
willing to journey through
your jungle, to do anything
it takes until, you find
the border of my own.
fiercely free-formed,
forging your way home.
to me
never able to feel free
on my own. liberty loses
something when I attempt
to enjoy it alone.
and I've seen stone break
beyond repair. but water
finds a way, winds a way
through anything. it can
slide down stone, even, and
leave its shadow there.
be strong like water.
undress from your shields.
recognize the strength
that takes no will power
inhale how that feels.
we can cross currents, then
be our own estuary,
whole again, alive.
we can climb up stream
and shout and laugh
and dive.
chord ...Mary
p.s. the new layout has two votes for "boy" and one vote for "drowning." but I'm a little preoccupied...
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