7:25 p.m. - 06/07/02
finding feelings// I thought were [[-buried inside...
I did a stellar job of running up my parent's phone bill today. Not quite so wonderful as the last time I talked to Silje (anyone happen to know the long-distance charges applied when calling Norway?) but nevertheless quite impressive. Still...I ran it up to call Sara, and I've been beating myself up for not doing that. Not to mention she seemed really happy to talk, and I know I was.
Her mom answered the phone, and even though I sometimes think Sara's mom might be a little like mine in that she's perfect to everyone who is not her child, she *was* really wonderful to me. She asked who was calling, and when I told her, she asked how I was doing; she seemed genuinely glad to hear I was holding up, and she said they were all really glad I was back in touch. It doesn't warp it to know that she's a therapist and therapist learn somewhere to say these seemingly perfect things. It was still a seemingly perfect thing to hear, and it made me breathe a bit more easily. I don't feel that kudos often enough...
I'm really tired today, but emotionally I'm doing pretty well. Sara and I were in sync once again; we had both had shitty weeks improved in the past few days, so we talked about that. I guess at some point we'll need to talk about something other than eating disorders (and red) but right now, I think we're both just grateful to have someone with whom we *can* talk openly about such things.
I told her about the volunteer job I so want to apply for, and she "oohed" and "ahhed" in the way that shows me she not only wants it for me but she wouldn't mind it for herself. (As it turns out, Sara also considers working at Rogers a possible course of life. We're secretly the same person in different bodies.) I talked about how it'd be good for me because it'd help me get out of the house and it would help me feel better about my powerlessness in other relationships ("I am helping *someone*" etc), and that, "not to sound like I have self-esteem or anything, but I really think I could be good at this."
And she said, "You would be great at that. I know you would. You would be so great at that."
So of course I pretty much felt like she gave me the job just from that affirmation...and after we got off the phone, I went back to the site to e-mail them for details. My parents said I could do that much, and I couldn't put it off any longer. I nearly started crying as I read through the details again. I am so perfect for this job, and selfishly, it is so perfect for me. It is *so perfect* for me. I want to be a part of this so badly; my heart is playing compass- my parents are deadweights...
I think Dr. R will help me try to convince them, if they can possibly be convinced. I talked to him about it Wednesday and he seemed like he thought it was wonderful; he was disappointed that they were enthused about the drive. The other thing I realized today is that what is nearly an hour from my house is eight minutes from his office. (Hooray mapquest.) Which means that if I went to my appointments from 11-12, processed and regained my composure over lunch, and went to work for the afternoon, my parents wouldn't have to drive out just for the volunteer job. Except, they probably couldn't stay in the city for the afternoon, which means they'd have to make another drive out, but perhaps we could balance it so that my mom dropped me off and my dad picked me up on his way back home, or something. It's an option anyway, and with that and perhaps a weekend-day, I could have a pretty decent balance.
I want to give them as many options as possible. I *have* to do this. I am willing to *leave the house* for this. I am willing to *interact with people* for this. And I'm nearly salivating at the idea of it.
Me. Volunteering. Helping people. At the inpatient/ more southern/ non-ed version of RED.
heaven.......
chord
p.s. Sara wants me to come visit her. and she wants us to go to Rogers together. my heart will burst into tears if I talk about it now (yes, that *is* possible) but it's honestly the best proposition I've heard in a long time. I think I can do my "first time back at Rogers" with Sara at my side. I think that's the only/best way I could do it...
p.p.s. Sara heals me. today she told me that I helped her through a rough night a couple days ago with a letter I wrote back in the hospital. and I told her that she can call me, even if it hasn't been a week, just because she needs someone to talk to. and I told her that we needed to visit Rogers together because ("it's right" <--she said) and because "we did it together." and I realized...Sara's kind of helping to fill the achy-Tracy parts of my heart. not to replace her, but just, to help me get through with her so far, far gone.
p.p.p.s. I could have written all that before my sig...but you know you like postscripts. the joy of afterthoughts, etc...
c.
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