1:10 p.m. - 06/08/02
>>made a mistake and kissed a snake...how many doctors did it take.<<
I have to see a doctor. I have to. I feel like I'm going to collapse and let the waves of nausea wash over me. I feel like this would be a relief. And as much as I enjoy beating myself up thinking it's emotional, I equally enjoy being paranoid that it's not. I need a firm answer. I need someone to say, "This is why you've been sick every two days since December, and this is how we're going to fix it." You know what really scares me, though? I'm really scared that they won't know, that they won't be able to find anything wrong. My dad seems really sick, and every doctor other than Dr. R is like, "You're fine!" which helps me sleep at night, but it's kind of disconcerting. I just want there to be a reason I feel like dying 3.5 days per week...
And not in that oh-so-lovely, "depression feeds on discontent" sort of way...
Needless to say, my head is pounding and my insides are ravaged with reverse swallowing. Bulimia is a bastard disease. I think it's enjoying this. I think it's living inside me, laughing at how- without any effort on its part- I'm ready to go court the bathroom tile.
Then again, it's "just" an illness. I don't need to give it the glory of personification. ...Forgive me. There is unwanted heavy metal in my head.
I just had the really scary thought that I'm doing something wrong with food and that's why I'm sick. I feel kind of dehydrated, and what if something is screwy with my electrolytes or my protein count? It's not as if I haven't been swilling liquid trying to counteract the dehydration, or I've done *anything* worthy of screwing my electrolytes, but I'm still scared. There are so many reasons to be paranoid; I almost forget it's unfounded.
I'm not sure if any of this means I'm actually going to make an appointment with the true md. It should mean that, but I'm not sure it does.
...
I read an article today about the 100 best literary characters since 1900; I was disappointed by how few of them I knew, but I suppose that means I still have many good people to meet in the book world. I was pleased to find Phoebe Caufield (along with her brother) on the list. Scout Finch (Atticus, and Boo Radley) were there, too, which is good to know. Phoebe and Scout sort of made the whole thing worthwhile for me.
And it got me thinking about the rare and brilliant occasion I've been given a book that really means something. For instance, when my brother gave me Catcher in the Rye and I had the very warm/fuzzy realization that he and I *are* Holden and Phoebe. Or when my babysitter gave me Love You Forever as a goodbye present...when Chas gave me an anthology of Romantic poets, or when my three eighth grade music directors gave me The Giving Tree. There's just something really wonderful about people handing you a piece of their heart that way, saying, this person says it nearly as well as my tears can, so enjoy...
I still haven't heard from Denise or the people from MPC, where I want to volunteer. I'm not surprised about the later; I just hope Denise responds.
Last night I had a dream that the republicans and the democrats in my (old) town were at each other's throats and houses were being burned down as warnings. My house had gasoline poured all around it, but the arsonists were caught before they had the chance to light a match. I also dreamed that my mom died but also birthed a little sister for me. A girl named Linnea. (Lynn-ay.) And I had one of my recurring dream-themes. It was a busy night for Morpheus...
So I'm ok. Other than the fact that I need to find a way to simultaneously lie down quietly and distract myself from how my body's doing. And despite the fact that I had the not-so-good sense to watch 28 Days again, which means I am in major red-withdrawal. I'm having kind of a hard time with the idea that I might never be in treatment again, and with the fact that when Sara started to struggle again, her therapist didn't hang her up by her toenails ala Harriet. I'm kind of jealous that I didn't recieve that kind of support while struggling.
Then again, I'm nearing 10 months abstinent. I shouldn't be too upset with the woman for her tactics.
I need a chas/mandy/brea/laura/katie energy. I need a kick start...
chord
whose head is jumpy
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