6:15 p.m. - 11/09/02
home-sickness.
There are five times in my life I remember feeling like this: when I nearly passed out in my seventh-grade science class, when I fell a few months ago and nearly blacked out, when I saw Boys Don't Cry, when I tried to read "What The Deaf Man Heard" (yes, they made it into a Hallmark movie; I could guarantee this trigger wasn't in the movie), and when I found out what happened to Jenna. Five times. Plus now.
I read tonight that sometimes post-traumatic stress appears after a delay...usually around an anniversary. I wonder if that's why I jump at every noise. I'm paranoid and hyper-alert (to the point that, if I start to trip, the sound of impact as I catch myself startles me). I wonder if that's it.
I don't remember what I felt when this actually happened. I remember bawling and begging them to stop time. I don't want to remember anything else. I don't want to think...
"And will I see the only home for me?"
"It's okay, you suddenly say/ maybe it's love..."
"They say I lean on you too much/ They say I'll never stand alone/ But how can they know what it's like/ To live with you inside our home/ You make me grateful for the grey/ You make me grateful for the blue/ Every morning you love me just the same/ I have known you by one hundred names..." -nields
chord
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