7:07 p.m. - 04/01/03
!!please don't leave me [[alone]].
I have a stomachache like I'm six again, and I've been crying off and on for about two hours. So, I guess it's time to tell whatever there is to tell. We really fucked up today...
At first we just talked about my parents, and that part was basically fine, and then I asked him if we could talk about something else because just talking about my parents feels like not talking about me. So we talked a little about what else has been going on, he asked how Shannon was, I told him I didn't get into Hampshire. I expected it to be this incidental comment. Worth a few minutes of discussion at best. It took over the session. We spent the entire time talking about it.
The thing that made what happened with Hampshire okay was that I responded to it so well. I knew, almost immediately, that they're just asses and missed the boat on me. They didn't catch onto what a gift they had the opportunity to know, and I knew that. And knowing that? For me, for someone who has never believed in herself this was? It's better than getting in. It's better to know that I didn't use one fucking destructive coping mechanism to feel better about that. I just felt, and I was just fine. I took care of myself, and I was ok. And I knew they were idiots, and I was leaving it at that for awhile.
But then he started talking about why. About why they might not have chosen me. And that's the one train of thought I just didn't go down. I never went down that road, even though I saw the exit. Because of him, because of what he's told me. He's told me that you can't know why people do things. You can't know why people don't write you back or why they don't call; you just can't. So I didn't guess. But he thought I was, so he started guessing and his guess was: They want people who will be safe at their school and be able to spend a good four years there. And because of my condition, they didn't trust that I could. I just started crying. Instantly. I was so angry. I said, "But that's not their decision! That's my decision! I wouldn't have gone to Hampshire in the fall, if I weren't ready to; I never would have done that." And he said, "You know that, and I know that..." and I was like, "But it's not their job! It's not their job to decide whether or not I'm healthy enough. To make my decisions for me. It's not their job to protect me." And he said that if a friend came to me and said, "I really want to go on this trip," and I gave them my go-ahead even though I didn't quite feel right about it, and they ended up struggling, how would I feel? And I just cried because I'm not that way. I'm not going to end up struggling. I've been recovering for almost two years, and I've learned really good ways to take care of myself, and I would never put myself in a bad situation, and if I did end up in one, I'd get out of it. That's my responsibility. That's my job. "And why are we even talking about this, when we don't know that that's why?"
This conversation, this back-and-forth between their possible reasoning and my insistence that I'm capable of handling my life myself, probably went on for forty minutes. And I just wanted to scream, "Why are you doing this to me?" I didn't understand; it goes against everything he's said before. We can't know, so we don't put ourselves through guessing. And I didn't, and then he chose to. And when I said that, he said, "Are you kind of feeling like I took you some place you weren't quite ready to go?" and I was like, "I don't feel like I wasn't ready; I feel like I didn't want to." And then he said maybe he'd cut through my defense mechanisms a little too quickly, and I just lost it. Crying, sobbing. I said, "Why does it have to be my defense mechanism? That's just like...another person saying I'm not healthy; I'm not competent." He said he thought the defense mechanisms were healthy, were plenty healthy, and he didn't mean them in the pejorative. He said he made a misstep, and I told him I was sorry, and he said there wasn't a reason to be sorry, but I don't believe him. Then he told me that he's on an admissions board, also, and suddenly I started hearing all of his earlier comments as what would have steered his decision had I come across his desk as a candidate. And I just freaked. I just asked him if he would have taken the risk, and he said he would've, and it's like, is that what I come down to? A risk people are or aren't willing to take? How can that be true? How can that still be true? It's not possible. Two years ago when people were pulling me out of school and choir and all kinds of things to see specialists- then it was possible. Now? Now? How am I doing this well, and still, just this quickly, see myself as a hopeless case?
I knew it, you know? I knew that I was good, and it's just all gone now. It's all gone, and I don't know how to get it back. He says it can help us understand each other better, that will work it out, and I understand that but I told him this was just a really bad time for a misstep, anyway. My mom's on the phone with insurance companies because her work is closing and my dad quit his job, and I know that if I blink everyone will leave...so... He said, no. He said there's a commitment in the type of work we're doing and he'll see it through. How many times can he tell me he's not going to leave?
I told him that after a day like today, I saw all the reasons for him to do so and none of the reasons not to. What am I, essentially, a fuckup? What if I can't fix all the shit I've done the past few years? What if I'm just kidding myself? I don't want to be a hopeless case. I've got too much riding on this; I can't lose now. I can't. I can't lose ever.
He took my hand more firmly than he ever has at the end, and he said, "Keep being the [insert two affirming adjectives] person you're becoming." Now I can see him Thursday or Saturday, and I have no idea which is better. Thursday makes school more complicated but means not having to wait. Saturday puts less time between this next appointment and the one after but leaves me in possible agony for a few more days... I want to go with Thursday, but I don't know if anyone can drive me. Actually I want to go with tonight. I wish it were a normal relationship. If it were a normal relationship, I could call him and we could talk now about what happened today, instead of waiting for a scheduled session. God, it hurts so much.
I see reason for him to leave me. I see every reason people would doubt me getting better. I don't see much else. What if I don't ... what if I don't win?
chord
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