4:00 p.m. - 01/18/02
lend me some fresh air.
[write your prose in boxes.*]
likely the place i found to find
i had a feeling is not on our property
but that has little effect on girls
who know so little about legality;
cities seem so far away from me
out in the woods with the wind
cutting down clouds and trees
lying down. bark bodies twisted
into sculpture, some, others still
breathing, limbs like jungle gyms
bent and waiting to be purposeful
little chopped stepping stones
and toddler trees grabbing my ankles
when I'm not looking, tripping me
these are my surroundings in the place
that is not my property, this
is the environment inviting me
to run away, my breath so fast in
air so cold, the frost shaves off
the skin of my lungs and leaves me
gasping on the pain of my asthmatic breaths.
when I threw down that book and took
off, with my coat between too fingers
and sockless feet inside my shoes,
I thought I was angry about how much
weight there is I can't cut off
and how I haven't used a razorblade
since eighth grade, how my crazy thoughts
have me close to purging when it's
five months on monday (the same day as
we won't go into that) I thought I
was angry about her coming home too
many hours too early just as I was starting
to be constructive and put my anger into
outlets, she was home
I thought I was angry
when I started running, but by the time
I found the being they would call a tree
the one whose limbs curled out like
the bare bones of a sunken ship,
and I checked all the curling limbs to
make sure they were indeed bark and
not one of them a well-disguised snake,
I'd found feelings not otherwise
recognized, malignant, indignant
not wanting to feel them I hit the
tree and when a shaving of its skin
fell to the ground, I remembered how
much destruction I'd already done today
and the guilt weighed heavily against
my chest, I curled into myself and
decided to do my best to rest
choking on screams and calling out tears
that jump so quickly to my eyes I barely
recognize them as my own. I never
cried so easily before the twenty-first
of december, remember the days when
I used to wish I had enough tears for
all this pain?
and somewhere between stumbling onto
this ship and finding myself lost in
woods too shallow to be menacing, I
realized I was really still looking
for her, and there was anger that she
was still too quick to be found (caught),
still running faster than I can on
this ground that has so many brambles
so many little snares to trip upon
it came down to nothing I had
suspected was the core just -
tracy and I swore we'd get out together,
and somewhere between the summer and this icy weather
she escaped without me, she left me
to be crazy on my own. she got out,
I can't find her, just like that night
when she disappeared for hours, we
were waiting in the day room, trying
to be nonchalant - I'll leave one week
early you leave one week late, we'll
beat this thing together, it was great
to think of this sisterhood we had;
and though when I started running I
was angry - there was too much sadness
for it to last.
it's one month on monday and she
left me alone to ask *on my own*
if hers is truly the only way to escape?
chord?<
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