9:40 a.m. - 06/28/02
>>little girl, they'll do you no harm.>>
freshly showered and out of my combination Grinch-tee/overalls for the first time in days. I'm used to getting on outfit "kicks" where for one reason or another I refuse to take off a certain piece of fabric until it's desperately unclean- but I so rarely wear either of those items that this one was odd. it occurred to me on the second day that not only was it probably in keeping with my "no adulthood, no!" emotion, but this actually *is* similar to how I dressed in late grade/ early middle school. anyway I'm back to looking as much like a seventeen-year-old as I ever do, though an eyebrow piercing and a sullen expression really *would* seal it...I suppose it's better that I can pull off 'conservative' when I feel the need.
we had visitors last night, one of whom was ten years old, and at one point she asked the difference between conservative and liberal, and the answers (though prefaced with an "oh, dear, how do we answer that without completely prejudicing her?") were strikingly similar to what I received when I, at about that age, asked the difference between Republicans and Democrats. I called them on it, and started to explain the real differences to her, but my mom jumped in and said "conservatives tend to stick to the way things have always been done, and liberals tend to look at the problems and try to find new solutions to them" before I could. I felt kind of cheated not getting to accept the "oh, that's a good definition" credit for the words I'd been about to say, but at the same time this dearheart girl was sitting next to *me,* entertaining herself with *my* craft, and saying "cool" approvingly to nearly everything I did. she was a mini-enigma, a little body with a brilliant mind.
I've been in desperate need of a little sister lately, or been more vocal about it anyway, so it was really nice to sit next to her and share four hours worth of moments. I was terrified about her coming over, so it was really wonderful that it went so well. I have a major fear about spending time with people around that age. Never having had younger siblings, I always feel unsure of how to act, on top of which when I think about it, ten was probably the age when I really started to doubt my place among my peers. but when she came, she was so shy and intrigued with everything. she shook my hand when we introduced ourselves, and then after a moment she climbed onto the couch next to me to watch me crochet. I asked her if she wanted to learn, and she agreed, looking nervous and excited. it was positively wonderful to teach her. she picked up on it so quickly, and she watched her fingers in the yarn with such seriousness and determination, it was inspiring. after about twenty minutes, she wasn't even asking me questions anymore. she would say, "oh!" as she messed up, and then when I looked down, she would already be fixing the stitch, looking up at me for approval. "right?" she would say, and I'd nod, grinning. the idea that she was getting so independent of my guidance so early thrilled me. but still, she'd hand it to me every now and then so I could get her back on track, and every time I handed it back, she'd thank me. after awhile, we started playing with the fabric scraps we'd made, making them curls and moustaches and wrist slings, and she started a second piece. she was really getting into it, and expressed a bit of sadness at the fact that she didn't have the means to continue at home. so of course I forced the hook and yarn into her hand to take home. I had a slight urge to grab her shoulders and say, "now this little gold hook is one that this gorgeous woman named Brea borrowed from me and returned the next morning with a little post-it note thank-you (which I *still* have) and so you must understand that there is a lot of power in this hook" but I didn't want her to think that the beauty invested in the gift was a reason to feel guilty accepting it. the other really marvelous thing is that she had on a cute summer dress *so* similar to the type Rae would wear, and blonde hair a color near Rae's, and I was thinking, here I am passing on exactly what I learned. it was nice to do it with someone outside of RED, someone who would not have otherwise learned.
after about an hour with her, I basically decided that I want to put my volunteer time in at the children's hospital, instead of that psych one. unfortunately, I was so exhausted by the end of the night, I'm not sure it's a good idea. but all in all, it was beautiful. she helped me realize how young ten is (even though she was incredibly advanced) which helped put into perspective the memory of my oldest brother turning 18. and because lately my ED-comparing has spread to younger, pre-pubescent kids, seeing how sweet and in some ways vulnerable she is, was healing. I felt bigger then her, but it was in a force-field sort of way. I think from now on, seeing littler people, I'll have the urge to run in front of them and take the blows, rather than to drag myself into an alley and inflict some...
sad to even have to realize this, but all the same, I'm grateful for the revelation.
hooray for Roselyn; here's hoping she visits again.
chord
who is off to see the md again
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