11:25 p.m. - 01/10/03
you the youngest,, fullest of heart
-I did it.
-I went out, into and out of two shops, and I gained stationery, and the cd.
-the cd, which has songs I haven't heard since my original Julian/Cami tape was killed by a vicious stereo.
-the cd, which is willing to wait.
-and has cracker jack kid, which nearly made me cry, when I heard it tonight. I'd never heard it before.
-which nearly took away my breath.
-I made it, and afterward, I felt happy.
-except I thought I might be sick.
-and that made me angry because what the hell was I doing thinking about getting sick, when I'd just felt happy?
-and tonight I beat a level in a computer game that's been giving me trouble for nearly a week.
-and I was able to fight the tightness in me, help myself know I don't have to be ashamed.
-I came home, armed with another voice one doesn't hear in D!@#$%^ - except through the d: drive.
-I have a long way to go but I know more than I did and will know more than I do.
-I know that I'm scared in ways that have nothing to do with being anxious.
-I want to stay young and needy and dependent in order to stay not-alone.
-I think it's wrong to be young, and very wrong to want to be.
-I think these are things I need to work on, work through, work past.
-I think I'll be safe someday, somehow.
chord
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