7:35 a.m. - 02/03/02
find my way, the best that I know how...
this made me far more happy than it should have:
Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz
though I do hope I am *generally* more affectionate that being a cold (dead!) fish might imply. this is just about sex, right? *gets paranoid*
so the cousin is married. *married.* and you know what, it doesn't really bother me. I mean, I don't think it's an earth-shattering event that he is now linked with a wifegrrl. I don't know her, and all I can hope is that she's got a bit of spunk, and that she gives him shit a lot. one of those "I'm joking" sorts of things. I'm not exactly ready to raise a toast and hope it lasts, but I have managed to stop gagging, mostly because I didn't have to go. though the idea of him fucking her makes me want to die. oh, if *only* there really was a stork...(of course, that would still put a child in that house and...I believe in rehabilitation, but I have *experienced* relapse.)
I paiged Harriet last night at her emergency number (oh.my.god) and she told me that she thinks my newfound "feelings" in regard to the stewert-situation are actually a good sign. I think it has to do with me recognizing that no matter how little happened, it was still a violation, and I don't have to minimize it. personally, I feel like I'm freaking out.
stress...
I nearly fired Dr. R last night. I still haven't completely disposed of the option, though, following a super-decent conversation with him and my actual nourishment (I accidentally didn't eat dinner till midnight yesterday) I've decided that if I do split with him for awhile, it will be after some talking, and not so much of a, "You can't catch me, na ne na ne boo boo," sort of deal.
It just occurred to me while I waited through their 1 1/2 hr appt yesterday (blargh) that if I had a different psychiatrist it might not be necessary for me to come to these appointments. and even though I know it will be eventually necessary, I don't mind that because I don't mind working with Dr. R; I just don't like how powerless I feel. It occurs to me that if I were to get a new psychiatrist of my own will, I would feel a bit empowered, and have some revived understanding of my own place in the treatment team. also, I think it might "help" the harriet issue because at the moment my own perceived helplessness is so out of control, that I'm balking at any authority/advice - even good brands. it might also give me the ally I've wanted since leaving red, though that can't be a main point in my making the decision because I know in my heart it's better if I find red outside of treatment...give me something to stay well for.
so I've been trying to figure out how I'm not going to be stubborn and insistent when I bring this up with harriet on monday, and I realized the best way would be to not have a set plan, but rather set *needs* and negotiable suggestions about how to deal with them. there was a time when Sara really wanted to leave red, and she was screaming and crying and telling everyone that she was going no matter what, and after she realized there were going to keep her there if they had to tie her to a bed, we sat down together and talked about what she'd really needed when she thought she needed to leave. I think if I do that now, I won't get so set on ditching the doc, but instead on ditching the icky feelings I'm having, which is good.
it helps that when he called me sweetie last night he sounded sincere, and even though the beginning of the session sounded in my ears like he hated me and blamed me for everything, when we talked alone at the end, it was much more peer-like than it has been. I finished one of his sentences (correctly) which seemed to amuse him, and then I twisted some of his words which didn't so much amuse him, but it helped me bring up something I was feeling, which I guess he appreciated. so I talked about how I felt like I was the one creating the problems, or at least that everyone else felt that way, and he told me it is never the child's fault. he said that by definition I can't be responsible, which was odd because I've had it beaten into my head that I create my own situation. so then I asked him if my unwillingness to heal the situation didn't perpetuate it, i.e. contribute to it, and he told me he didn't find me unwilling. he only found me pained.
which reminded me of those really fabulous words he said the first day, the words Tracy made a poster out of when I shared them that go - "it's not how screwed up you are, it's how injured you feel..."
then I told him he must be very tired, and he just sort of stopped and told me to let him take care of those boundaries and not worry that he couldn't take care of himself and would end up hurt - or leave. and at the time I thought he was really overreacting to very simple words, but later when I rehashed the conversation in my head, his response held up a lot better against my shame than most do...
he told me that we were fighting hard here, dealing with fifty years of pain, and I looked at him and semi-whispered, "probably more."
he smiled, semi-sadly. "you're exactly right," he said, it's probably more."
we're trying to heal the pain of generations, enough that we can survive. last night I felt like he and I had an understanding again, something separate from my parents. I wish it could be that way; I wish he could deal with them, and we could talk about the feelings I was having in regard to them, and then he could give me prescriptions for the meds that sort of work...
and now I'm tired...so...I'm going to go take care of myself and make sure I don't end up hurt or leaving.
chord
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