6:10 p.m. - 02/08/02
wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles.
Mary is too tired to write in a lovely, articulate manner. Instead she is going to waste good content on bad words. An entry like this one should be eloquent and beautiful, but I woke up *so early* today and was too anxious all day to sleep...when I tried to lie down this afternoon, I just started twitching, and that gets annoying after the first hour or so. Stupid body.
So I had a Harriet appointment today. I don't exactly look forward to those appointments. I was sitting in the waiting room trying to brace myself for the unhappy exchange we would most likely have. I realized I was starting to be my "shy sad sick" self and that doesn't bode well with her, so I tried to pull myself out of it and just felt sullen and angry instead. At least when I'm angry I can defend myself a little better, and she wouldn't think I was trying to gain sympathy or anything.
I started to think about the e-mail she sent me in response to my letter about how much I miss living normally, and I saw myself telling her how nice she had been. I heard the surprise in my voice, and I felt bad because it's not like she isn't a nice person, but I always expect her to be irritated with me. I remembered the first appointment when she was so caring and I didn't know what to think, and I wondered how she could be so understanding about things that no one understands and yet not seem to hear me on so many other issues. I prepared myself to be disappointed once again, to be reminded that the nice-letter-Harriet and the angry-session-Harriet weren't necessarily predictable.
When she came out into the waiting room, she did what she basically always does - told me she'd be right with me, left, came back quickly, and said she was glad to see me. But it was odd, I felt like she actually was this time; I felt like I was kind of glad to see her, too - even though I was still a bit weary...weary/wary/either way.
We went into the office, and I was basically spastic. Bouncing in that unhappy nervous way I sometimes do. I knew it was going to get bad, that she was going to ask me what I wanted to talk about, ask how things had been going, thank me for e-mailing her, etc, and I was going to feel hopeless and disappointed and withdrawn. Oddly, though, as she started talking I started to calm down, and the little water fountain on the table by the couch, sounded sweet and calm instead of loud and grating. I thought perhaps something was different this time.
It's odd, and I don't quite know how to explain it because it's happened so quickly but, all of a sudden, she understands. All of a sudden, there's no reason to consider leaving. It's completely bizarre, but somehow that e-mail, that e-mail I didn't even want to send because I expected her to say, "Well, if you want all these things, you know what you have to do; just go out and *do* them" - completely altered her perception of me. She actually *apologized* to me for thinking so differently all this time, for pressuring me to do things that are obviously so hard for me (and for a reason), without realizing that I really *couldn't* do them. She said (she actually said) that she understands now that I'm not being purposefully resistent, I'm just honestly scared because I've had such important, basic needs go unmet for so long, and she believes that as we heal those traumas and get those needs met - things like the eating disorder, my inability to make eye contact or leave the house, will fall into place. I won't have a reason to use them anymore, and so I won't.
All these months of wanting to run and knowing I needed to stay, all these months of feeling like she didn't trust me, didn't understand me, and couldn't hear me when I spoke and all of a sudden she says to me, "You really aren't doing this because you're resisting us; you're doing this because you're afraid you won't survive." It was really amazing. I don't think I've ever felt a relationship turn around so quickly, and it was really powerful because she helped me understand what went on with those teachers who got so irritated with me ... it's been really similar: me unable to do things, her thinking I was just being stubborn and not caring, me getting too shamed and depressed to even think of trying anymore. I feel like I really started to believe today that perhaps I really wasn't so in the wrong in those situations, and maybe they *really weren't* evil and uncaring...maybe we just really could not communicate effectively. And that *did* cause a lot of pain, which makes it a big deal, but as much as I didn't understand why they were so angry, that could be how much they didn't understand why I was so sick.
She told me that she belives I'm not defective or crazy, that I've just been hurting for a long time, and expected to deal with that pain on my own, and considering what I've been asked to deal with, she's surprised at how *well* I've done. ? I nearly fell off the couch.
She didn't know (or at least didn't use) the word but she basically said the translated version of, "You're nganon is not poisoned; you have simply been neglected." She also told me that she thinks my wanting to stay at red is a good thing; it shows that I understood what a good place I was in, what safety and stability should feel like, and that I wanted to hold onto them. I didn't reject the good of that, and she thinks that's a really fabulous sign.
She did a lot of the talking today, at her request. She said that my nonverbal communication is so effective that she thinks it will be enough for awhile, (not that I can't or don't talk, just that she's not pushing me to) and that since she understands better now why I have such trouble communicating verbally, and why I get so scared, she's not going to push me so mercilessly. She apologized for "taking such a wrong track" this whole time...
I honestly don't believe it. I don't believe that I waited, and I kept trying, and things actually changed. I don't believe that she honestly has changed her perception of me to such a beautifully effective one. I can't believe that by not running way I've achieved new understanding of my past, the ability to be truly understood and challenged again, and a therapist with whom I was honest before being semi-coddled, with whom "liking me" will just be a perk, instead of the deciding factor in our relationship.
I knew I had to wait for this relationship to work, and I understand now that if I'd known she was going to change her mind, I wouldn't have gained as much from it. If some angel had dropped down from the sky and said, "On February eighth she will suddenly retract everything she's done to make you hurt today," I would not have questioned myself so much and learned answers to relationships long since over. I have to remember to ask her why she thought I was acting that way out of spite; I think it will give me some insight into possible reasons behind the actions of those teachers.
I'm still extremely exhausted emotionally, and it's not all better by any means...I still feel a little like jumping off a cliff. But I feel, for the first time in months, like I can scream and be understood for what I'm hearing. Like there's been a defect in the comm system this whole time, and all of sudden, the mechanisms are working again. I'm speaking the same way, she's answering with the same honesty, but we both feel a lot better.
I left there *calm.*
chord
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