between sleep and more sleep - 06/30/02
[[[don't believe the lies that they have told to you[[[
I'm not sure where my head is at. I think it went out dancing and, knowing that I avoid those smoky venues, didn't invite me to come along. I decided the computer was triggering me to repeat yesterday's pattern, so I'm upstairs, searching for answers in a paper journal. Unfortunately, it's the same paper journal I wrote in (for 2 days) at Rogers which is also kind of upsetting. maybe I should just give in and read the entries, let them do with my emotions what they will (to a safe extent, of course?) Or is there a reason I need to avoid remembering right now?
I miss Rae who told me once she liked this journal. I miss everyone more because I can't seem to track down myself. I've tried calling Sara a million times, but the phone just rings incessantly, not even a machine to answer. God, I hope she's okay. Probably just on vacation, right? She's a brilliantly strong girl; I'm sure she's staying safe.
At least I want to be sure.
So what on earth is up with me? Why am I approaching recovery in the most obsessive, rigid, eating-disordered way possible? Why am I finding ways to be back in behaviors that are basically impossible without even realizing what I'm doing? I don't want to believe that my parent's current insanity has that sort of effect on me; I don't want to believe I'm giving them that much power. And there are other stresses. there's the confusion with my sister, the play opening, the NY trip, the concern about college acceptance, the inability to get in touch with any friends, (I missed a call from Silje and am not allowed to call her back, Sara's line rings endlessly, heather has dropped off the face of the earth, Chas never returned my call, and Mandy's currently cruising to Alaska) missing home, and probably a dozen other things I'm not even remembering. I have this tendency to believe that if I'm not thinking about something, it must not be bothering me, but I wonder if there's a certain level of "bothersome" where I shut down and don't think about it. Like my problems have levels of basically insignificant (fleeting to no thought), significant (ruminating thought), and dangerously significant (no thought). The fact that my emotional state/ behaviors (depression, anxiety, compulsivity, insomnia) suggest I'm in hot water makes me wonder if I'm really so ok with everything that's going on. Last night (this morning?) I lay awake for hours feeling the thought-race in my head. Thoughts so jumbled as "I swear polyester is a light-blue, navy-grey" kept me awake for hours and I have *nothing* to be upset about?
Brea told me once that part of what has helped her stay sane is recognizing and accepting all the things she can't expect to receive from her mom. I'm not exactly there yet, but I'd say I'm getting closer. When my mom came home yesterday with a job-application for I-can't-even-tell-you-where (let's just say, "# of high school grades completed" was a question) saying how she'd make more money, not have to deal with her current boss and have time to paint (forget the fact that she would never be happy there, has spent years educating herself toward now-useless degrees, and wasn't exactly happy the last time she threw al her other talents out the window to "just paint") I didn't even scream. Do I think she's crazy to be doing this? Yes. But I'm used to her being crazy now, and as angry and frustrated as I am, I understand now that her being terminally like this doesn't just mean she's consistently done it in the past, but that she's consistently going to do it in the future. No matter what strides she begins with Dr. R, a 48-yr-old pattern is not going to change before I turn 18. The only thing my mom seems to have determined about her dream like in 1/2 a century is that she wants to achieve it. Every time she starts running, she brushes aside everything she knows about herself and just hightails it into another bad situation. Every few years, she decides to start from scratch again. Well, here's a clue: happiness is not that simple an equation. It takes a long time to tweak your way toward peacefulness and there's a big difference between following a rhythm for change ever 3 years (with everything you've realized about yourself during those past three years in tow) and saying, "Now that's not right; let's try door #4012!" I mean, come on! When you're searching to define variables, you keep other things constant. That's basic algebra.
Did I mention my dad may very well switch careers, too? This just bugs me, even though my dad has been in the same work for quite a bit longer than my mom. I don't think the fact that they found a house they like (less and less) and have made friends here justifies the choice they made to move. (And this IS NOT just purely bitterness at them selling my childhood home: I wouldn't want to go home to N*land, even though I do miss the house.) I just think that having friends and a home that suit who you are at the time can be found basically anywhere; what keeps change from being mistaken is taking who you are (what you learn about yourself) through such change. I don't see my parents doing that. They either atrophy in the stagnant behaviors their parents modeled (my dad) or they reinvent themselves again and again, certain that every change is their surefire happiness.
I grew up in this. This instability was my safe haven, my home. This illogical pattern was the model I unconsciously absorbed. My sister calls my mom to vent about how her just-to-pay-the-bills job makers her crazy, and my mom says, "Yeah, that's awful - excuse me while I do the same thing?" Don't these people pay attention? Don't they realize it's the same false hope spiffed up in a new tuxedo?
I know it's taken me 17 years to understand this sort of change is not enough for them, but damnit, I'm the youngest; I expect to be naive. I expect to look up to them, learn from them, use their wisdom for my growth.
My parents seem to be driven by two little kids, still trying to prove their power and worth. And maybe we're all like this, but would it have been so hard for them to claim that years ago? Or now? Would it be so hard for them consciously accept/evaluate a situation instead of just running to change?
chord
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